Complete

I read a lot of blogs. It's how I pretend that I have real friends. HA! Anyway, one of the blogs I read was her announcing her fourth born child. Her baby girl is beautiful. At the end she says, "I feel so happy and complete." Complete. I was always told that I would KNOW when I was done having kids. That our family would just feel complete.

I am not having any more children. This body has had a permanent "fix" for that... I don't feel anywhere near complete. I am wondering if this feeling is ever going to go away. I love my three girls. They are beautiful and wonderful, but I don't feel as though our family is complete. I am thankful that God has allowed me to have the children that I do have. But, I can't stop this feeling of a downward spiral.. this complete and utter sadness over having to stop. Is there a word that is more "sad" than sadness? That's how I feel. I feel like I am sinking in quicksand.

I am so desperate to snap out of whatever this is. It is the holidays. I am usually chomping at the bit to set up the Christmas tree in July.. I am typically watching Christmas movies and singing Christmas carols by now. I am not even looking forward to Thanksgiving.. I dread having to set up our tree and put out all of the beautiful decorations. I dread getting out of bed in the morning.. I want to just stay snuggled in bed with Harper.. the one who still appreciates what I do.

If you are reading this and thinking about how terrible I sound.. just keep it to yourself. Your words couldn't possibly be worse than what I tell myself on a daily basis.

Please just pray for me. Pray that peace will come.. that I will feel like our family IS complete. I can't take this broken hearted feeling much more.