It's a wonderful life.

Life around here has been so crazy busy!!
I signed up to be a Jamberry consultant on Nov. 1, so I have been busy building my direct sales business. I am trying really hard to NOT be THAT friend.. I created a separate group for my business so that it's not clogging everyone's newsfeeds. Hopefully that worked.

I had finals for my Faith Bible Institute Class. It was so hard studying.. I could not focus on anything at all to study! I don't think that I did very well this time.

I am starting a MOPS group from the ground up at our church and could use A LOT of prayers. I cannot do this in my own strength.

I had my sleep-deprived EEG, and cannot get the results until February unless if an appointment opens up before then. :( No driving still.

I am currently on antibiotics for mastitis. Big shock. haha! While at a follow up, I asked the doctor about some pain that I have been having in my neck. She said that she could feel my thyroid "and, I'm not supposed to feel your thyroid" so now I am waiting on blood test results and will be going for an ultrasound of it. I wish my thyroid would just get itself together and stop causing concern. Get over yourself 'roid.

My aunt started chemo and radiation treatments. My uncle had a massive stroke that has left him paralyzed on his right side. The kind of stroke that he had is one that most people don't survive. God is good. Please be in prayer for both of them as they recover. They are both stubborn fighters and I believe that they can both win their battles.

Harper is growing and still as sweet as can be. We are delaying solid foods until she is 6 months old since she has food allergies. We are starting to cloth diaper her. I figure that it will save a lot of money in the long run. We already do a load of laundry a day, so it won't make much of a difference.

Chloe is silly and smart as can be. She is so excited for Christmas and still obsessed with Elsa. She has really come around and tries to help out with Harper as much as possible... she loves to make her smile.

Addison is also silly and super smart. The words that she uses constantly blow our minds, and she is obsessed with my little pony. "RAINBOW DASH IS THE FASTEST FLYER!!!" She is still Harper's #1 fan.

Scott is handsome as can be, and amazing as usual.. just in case you were wondering. :)

Hurricane

There is a song by Natalie Grant called "Hurricane". I listened to this on a practically daily basis throughout the pregnancy with Harper. I have felt like I was in the midst of a hurricane. Things kept spinning out of control. Every time I would think it was almost over, it would start again.

To be honest, the hurricane is still swirling.

I was listening to it again last week. I am tired of the hurricane. I am exhausted. I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I stumbled onto a video on youtube where Natalie was describing the inspiration for her album. She wrote many of the songs on her album while dealing with post-partum depression.

Depression.

A Christian woman.. a prominent Christian woman dealing with depression.

Her story sounded so familiar to me.

I don't know that I am suffering from post-partum depression. I don't "not desire" to care for my baby. I want to take her and hide away with her and lock the rest of the world out. I am suffering from depression that is stemming from not being able to have children anymore. That decision was taken from me. I will never again feel those first kicks of a baby squirming inside of my belly. I will never again get to watch my large uncomfortable stomach flop around from a giant baby kicking me. I will never again spend hours with a bulging stomach in a rocking chair praying for my unborn child. It's gone.... forever.. and it hurts.

If one more person tells me that I have "enough" I am going to scream.

Even if I have "enough" it hurts. It was the hardest decision that I have ever been faced with. It is a decision that haunts me because I start to doubt.. but, then I think about it and pray about it the way we did before the decision was made. I still reach the same conclusion. If I had chosen to get pregnant again, the seizure disorder most likely would have been worse (as it has become significantly worse with each pregnancy). Even if it hadn't become WORSE, it would still be present. I would have to be on anti-seizure medication to prevent a seizure. These medications can cause serious damage in the development of the baby's brain. So, let's go the other route. I stay off the medication and just hold on for the ride. A seizure can kill an unborn child.

I CAUSE permanent brain damage, or I kill my child. Those are my options..

Then, I get angry. WHY do so many unfit people get to become mothers in an unlimited amount. I am so blessed that I have THREE healthy, beautiful children. I know this. But, it is still so extremely difficult. WHY does this year have to hurt so much. Why can't we just get some good news..

I have found that finally putting a voice to my pain has helped. I am not holding it in anymore. Honestly, I am still painting a smile on my face. If you read this, then you know the truth, but I don't feel that everyone else deserves to know my business.. especially since so many people are only asking questions because they are nosy and want something to gossip about.

If you DO read this, please continue praying for me. It is not easy for me to admit that I am struggling. But, I AM STRUGGLING. I am struggling a lot. I am physically exhausted from daily life. I am spiritually exhausted because I am clinging to my faith so hard. I am emotionally exhausted because.. well, I have all of these new found health problems, there is still the lingering possibility of surgery to remove a lump from my breast, my aunt has cancer and is about to go through chemo and radiation, my grandparents are in failing health.. my extended family is hurting.. there is just a lot.

There is still a lot of good, and don't think that it is lost on me. But, this hurricane has been beating down for 7 months straight. The preparations are wearing down, but I refuse to let them completely break.

GOD IS STILL GOOD!!

Harper's birth story

July 17, 2014 is the date that I was set to be induced. I was supposed to call the hospital about an hour out from my induction time to find out if they had room for me or not. Imagine my surprise when I woke up that morning plagued by the stomach virus that had infected my family earlier in the week. I had all of these plans of playing with Chloe and Addison and doing special activities with them all day.. the last day of just "us". Instead, I laid in bed all day watching movies and trying to sleep as much as I could through the misery. My temperature kept rising and eventually was over 103 degrees. I called the hospital when I was supposed to, and they were super busy. Thank you, Jesus. They told me to call in the morning. I was so relieved.. I drug myself up the stairs to tell my girls goodnight, and thank my mother-in-law for coming up to take care of them. Don't worry, I kept my distance. She came armed with Lysol anyway. ;)

I went back downstairs and noticed that I was having contractions. I timed them, and they were consistently 6 minutes apart. I told Scott, but told him that I was going to sleep. I was not going to make the same mistake of staying up all night just to find out if I really was in labor.. I will wake up if it is time.


The next morning I woke up super early to call the hospital. I was feeling tired, but SO MUCH BETTER since I had a full night of sleep. I was still having contractions 6 minutes apart. We got to the hospital and all checked in. They had all of my information since they had seen me so much over the past 3 months, so check-in was a breeze. They got me in my room and set up with an IV. The nurse was so nice. I HATE getting IVs. Shots don't hurt. Getting blood drawn doesn't usually hurt, but IVs HURT. A lot. I told her that I always get dizzy when I get an IV. She cranked the air WAY up and put a cold wash cloth on my head. Ya'll, if you have the same problem, ask your nurses to do this. It was amazing. I didn't feel pleasant, but I also didn't feel like I was going to pass out. The only other time that has happened for me was when I was in the back of an ambulance and really confused.

They were trying to determine if they were going to start Pitocin, or if they were going to do the hormone that just softens things up. My OB figured that the hormone would be all I needed to get labor really going for me. They hooked me up to the monitors and determined that I was having too many contractions to do that. They started Pitocin. They always start it out really slowly. Slowly was all that I needed. I kept watching the contractions on the monitors, and they were going off the charts. I still felt pretty okay though.

My OB came in and said that she was going to break my water within the next hour, so if I wanted an epidural that I needed to do it then. I agreed, knowing that labor always flies once my water breaks. The anesthesiologist came in and started getting her stuff ready. Scott has always been able to be in the room during my epidurals. I was at a different hospital this time, and they made him leave. They have actually lost a dad who fainted and hit his head.. My anxiety level went through the roof. My rock wasn't there anymore. The nurse was so nice though, and so supportive. She kept telling me what a great job that I was doing. This epidural HURT. Oh my gosh. It was loud.. it was painful.. I kept moving because it was hurting so bad. I thought that she was never going to finish. One leg went TOTALLY numb. Then, the rest of my body went numb. I was finally able to relax.

They left me alone for a while so that I could rest some. The nurse came in saying that she was going to have to slow the Pitocin down because baby wasn't liking the contractions. A little while later she tells me that she is going to have to just turn it off. They were coming too fast and too strong, and she was not reacting well to them. The doctor came in and broke my water. They noticed that there was meconium mixed in with the amniotic fluid. They were concerned about how numb my leg was, so they turned me a little to my left side to try and distribute the epidural a little more. This backfired because it made my entire body completely numb. I couldn't move anything below my arms at all.

I told Scott that I thought I was feeling some pressure, but that surely it was too soon. My labors have always lasted FOREVER. The doctor came in to check to see how far long I was, and she exclaims, "YOU ARE ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY!" I look at Scott and almost feel panicked! They start setting up to deliver. There were so many doctors, nurses, and students in the room. This poor guy that is on his way to being a heart surgeon is witnessing his first childbirth. He is asked by the doctor to hold one of my worthless legs for me. Poor guy.. At the time, nothing is humiliating.. Thinking back everything is!

My doctor told me that it was time to push. I hear a nurse say "Oh, that baby is going to slide out like buttah." I started cracking up laughing. I only pushed a few times and Harper was out. I don't remember hearing her cry, but I am sure she did. A nurse ripped the top of my gown down and all of the sudden this little stinky baby is flopped onto my chest. In case you wonder why she was stinky.. meconium... 'nuff said.. I was so in shock that she was already on my chest that I just kept staring at her. One of the nurses says "Do you like her?!" and I smiled and said yes as my eyes flooded with tears. I think they must have had NICU nurses or something in the room because there was a woman over my shoulder watching Harper. Harper was kind of purple colored. The nurse says "Yep, she is struggling." I remember thinking "THEN DO SOMETHING?!?!?" She wiped Harper's face aggressively with a towel and Harper took a huge breath and started screaming. Apparently that did the trick. They said to let them know when I was ready to have her weighed. Never. I don't want to give her up. I told them that they could go ahead and do it so that I could feed her. They cleaned her up a little bit and got all of her measurements.

I remember always reading that when left on their own, a baby will make their way to their "food source". I had always wanted to test that. Since they let Harper lay on my bare chest, I watched as she slowly wiggled her way and latched on all by herself. I was amazed! She ate for a good, long while. I was violently shaking terribly though. The doctor said that my lips were blue and asked if I was feeling cold. I felt fine, but was worried about shaking Harper. They piled warm blankets on top of me, and I kept shaking. They finally wrapped them around my head. A little while later, the shaking stopped.

At this hospital, they typically don't give babies a bath for the first 24 hours of life... which after reading about it, is really good!! The nurse asked my permission to wash Harper's hair since she had so much poo in it. I told her "yes, please!" Eventually I was moved to the recovery room. They never took Harper from my room. She followed immediately with me down the hall to my new room. They did every test in the room with me. It was so awesome to have this beautiful baby by my side every second.

Since I was having a tubal done, they left my epidural in. They were hoping to be able to re-use it. A little piece of advice. ALWAYS SAY NO!! I didn't get any sleep that night because it was so painful. Not to mention, they can't re-use it!! It is rarely successful and after a few hours, it's impossible.

Harper was awake most of the night, but I didn't really mind that. I love their soft, fuzzy, sweet little new baby bodies. I love snuggling them. I love just watching them figure out the world around them. I was not allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight since I was having surgery in the morning. I ate a CLIF bar and drank a big cup of apple juice shortly before midnight. I was glad I did. My surgery kept getting pushed back the next day.

Scott went home and brought the girls to meet their baby sister, and my mother-in-law joined them. They were so adorable with her. They got bored pretty quickly, so he and his mom took them back home.

FINALLY some time around 1, they came and got me. I was so anxious. I have never had surgery other than oral surgery. They took Harper to the nursery for the first time since Scott wasn't there. I told the nurse that he would probably want her when he got back. The nurses offered me something to make me a little sleepy since I was so nervous. I am so grateful that they can do that through the IV they left in me. It wasn't necessary, but they knew my history and kept me on fluids the whole time I was there. I woke up a little while later with a big ice pack across my stomach. The nurse asked how I was feeling. Ok. Tired. I was in and out for a while. She asked if I wanted anything for pain. I didn't really have any at the time, so I said no. Then, I realized that was dumb. I didn't want to wait to feel any pain. She brought me some crackers to eat so that I didn't take it on an empty stomach. Crackers have never tasted so good!!!!

Finally, they wheeled me back down the hall and transferred me from the recovery bed back to my hospital bed. Scott and Harper were in the room waiting for me. I love seeing that man holding our babies. :D Eventually I had to sit up. I called a nurse and she came in. She told me some tips for sitting up for the first time. She told me that she didn't want me to think that she was mean, but she wanted me to learn how to do it alone, so I didn't get any help. That first time of moving HURT.

I was in quite a bit of pain that first day. The incision itself was pretty small, but it felt like my stomach had been inflated. I had asked to stay an extra night since insurance would cover it, and I could rest much better there than at home with two other little ones. I got to hang out half of the next day at the hospital since it was a Sunday and Scott needed to be at church.

Finally, we got to bring our beautiful new baby home. It was a long, difficult, and terrifying pregnancy. But, I would do it over and over again if it meant I ended up with Harper. It was 100% worth it!!

Complete

I read a lot of blogs. It's how I pretend that I have real friends. HA! Anyway, one of the blogs I read was her announcing her fourth born child. Her baby girl is beautiful. At the end she says, "I feel so happy and complete." Complete. I was always told that I would KNOW when I was done having kids. That our family would just feel complete.

I am not having any more children. This body has had a permanent "fix" for that... I don't feel anywhere near complete. I am wondering if this feeling is ever going to go away. I love my three girls. They are beautiful and wonderful, but I don't feel as though our family is complete. I am thankful that God has allowed me to have the children that I do have. But, I can't stop this feeling of a downward spiral.. this complete and utter sadness over having to stop. Is there a word that is more "sad" than sadness? That's how I feel. I feel like I am sinking in quicksand.

I am so desperate to snap out of whatever this is. It is the holidays. I am usually chomping at the bit to set up the Christmas tree in July.. I am typically watching Christmas movies and singing Christmas carols by now. I am not even looking forward to Thanksgiving.. I dread having to set up our tree and put out all of the beautiful decorations. I dread getting out of bed in the morning.. I want to just stay snuggled in bed with Harper.. the one who still appreciates what I do.

If you are reading this and thinking about how terrible I sound.. just keep it to yourself. Your words couldn't possibly be worse than what I tell myself on a daily basis.

Please just pray for me. Pray that peace will come.. that I will feel like our family IS complete. I can't take this broken hearted feeling much more.

Perspective

Some days, it all comes down to perspective.

Yesterday, I went to see my neurologist. I was chastised by him for not consistently taking my medication twice I day. I always take it at night but forget in the morning.. or just skip it because I knew that insurance was going to change and not cover it soon. I have been fine taking it just once. He said that he cannot release me because I am not following his orders and am putting myself at risk of having another seizure. I have to have a sleep-deprived EEG also before he will even consider releasing me to drive. My insurance has switched around since having Harper, creating a whole other mess to sort out before I can even begin to get these tests and follow-up appointments done. Insurance doesn't cover ANY of my medication anymore, and all of the other drugs have too many risks for breast-feeding and side effects. I left his office, got in the van with Scott, and cried. It was just too much thrown on me at once. I also have this looming lump in my breast that still has not gone away. If it is still present when I finish breast-feeding, I will have to have it removed... which freaks me out only because of surgery. I don't think that it will be a cancer issue.

Then, I called my mom. My beautiful, strong mom. I told her how my appointment went. My aunt was diagnosed with lymphoma several weeks ago. It is all throughout her body. If she doesn't start treatment NOW, it could consume her body and take her life within weeks. Her insurance has also been messed up, and she cannot afford to do what she needs to do right now.. Perspective. My mom apologized saying that she was sorry that my appointment didn't go the way I had planned. I told her that it didn't matter anymore.. I am not dealing with cancer. My life is not at stake...

Can I just say that I am glad that God is not limited by doctor's opinions. My aunt is currently treatable, but all they hope for is remission. My heart breaks for her, the granddaughter she has custody of, my grandparents, and all of my aunt's siblings. God CAN heal her body miraculously. I pray that he does. I know that He may choose not to. He will have His reasons. He is good no matter what the outcome of it all is.

Please be in prayer for my family. This news is difficult to hear. Pray that God will be glorified through all that comes to pass; no matter what that may be.

Some days there are rainbows

Yesterday was an extremely emotional day for me. My husband was at work all day yesterday. The girls were all pretty quiet, and I was left reflecting on all that has happened this year. It has felt like bad news on top of bad news. I spent a lot of yesterday in tears. Some were hot tears from the emotional heartache of it all. Some were tears of joy because of all of the good that God has done for me; which far outweighs the bad.

This is probably going to seem really silly. Maybe. But then again, maybe not.

I entered this contest a few days ago. Sarah Mae wrote this book called "Desperate". I read it a year or so ago. It is incredible. If you are a mother, you need to go buy and read it. It is so encouraging and uplifting. Anyway, the contest ended last night. I figured I probably wouldn't win, so I never went back to check. I never win anything. Well, I won a baton when I was 10... sixteen years ago... This morning, she shared on her facebook to go and see if "you" won. I have never wanted to win a contest so much, so I went anyway. The first name on this list is "Ashley P." I freak out and check my e-mail. Nothing. I feel so disappointed. But, then I scrolled all the way to the bottom.. where I read that ASHLEY PULLEN is the winner. Whaaat?! Ashley Pullen is a hyperlink, so I click on it, and am taken to MY facebook page. HOT DOG!!

I still am freaking out that I still haven't received an e-mail. I start going through my SPAM folder. I start thinking about how I am going to miss out because I must have messed up my e-mail or something.. I am such a pessimist. I should really work on that.

I posted on a buy, sell, trade site wanting to sell something. Later in the day I decided to check my "other" folder to see if anyone was interested in it.

There, waiting in my "other" messages folder is a message from Sarah herself asking me to e-mail her!!!!!!!!!!! Good grief! I am such a dork. Seriously. If you know me at all, then you are fully aware of this FACT.

This year has felt like a storm. There are occasionally breaks from the thunder and lightening. Today, after something that seems as silly as winning a contest, I feel like a huge rainbow is painted in the sky just for me. I won a lot of really beautiful items that I can't wait to decorate my home, ears, and purse with. But, I also won a lot of incredible books that I can read to encourage me!! I also get the opportunity to encourage other mommas by starting a book club for my FAVORITE book about being a momma! I can't wait!!

Half of a year

Six months ago today, my life was forever changed. I started the day out great. Our baby's room was almost complete! It was a warm and sunny day outside. I took my two girls outside to play, and also carried a huge drink outside with me. I left my drink on the deck, and walked onto the grass to play with the girls. They were being silly and playing on the miniature Little Tykes slide. I was standing next to it laughing with them. All of the sudden I started feeling weird. I have had these spells as long as I can remember, but they happen A LOT in pregnancy. I hear a ringing in my ears and then everything starts to go black. I always beg God to make it stop, because it is really frightening. This time seemed no different.

I grabbed onto the side of the slide to steady myself praying, "God, please make this go away. Please." The next thing I know I open my eyes. I see the deck and a blue sky. There is also a blurry face right next to mine. "Ashley. Ashley, do you know where you are." I just kept nodding my head. "Where are you?" I couldn't answer. I had no idea what was going on. "Can you tell me your name?" Yes. "Ashley." The next thing I remember is being lifted onto a gurney by two men. They buckle all of these buckles. Then, I am wheeled between our house and Pastor's house. I see my girls playing soccer with our Pastor's son. They are smiling. None of this registered with me until later.

In the ambulance I hear Scott telling them that he is going to follow behind in our vehicle. "I love you, Ash. It's going to be ok." I tell him to call my parents. I didn't even know what was going on, but somehow I knew that they needed to know. They close all of the doors and away we go. The EMT sitting next to me was so nice. I asked him if my girls were ok. He says, "They are just fine. They are so cute!" He starts trying to find veins in my arms. I tell him that they have been having to use my hand lately. I thought I was getting my blood drawn. Next thing I know, I have an IV in my hand. Suddenly it dawns on me that I am in the back of an ambulance. "WAIT! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?" I say in a panic. He calmly tells me that it looks like I have had a seizure. "Oh, okay." and I relax again. "Do you feel the baby moving?" Thump. "Yes" I say with a smile.

We get to the hospital and I am put in a triage room in the ER. Doctors and nurses are coming in. A nurse tells me that I need to remove my shirt and bra. I am so confused that she removes it all while another nurse holds a gown in front of me. Scott arrives. You can see the concern on his face. The nurse comes back and tells me that they need a urine sample, but that she does not want me to go alone. Scott has to come with me. He holds me up as I stumble to the bathroom. I make him face the wall, because this is humiliating to me.

A doctor comes in my triage room. He tells me that they are going to admit me to the hospital to run tests and observe the baby, and that I was SEVERELY dehydrated. "We need to know if you actually had a seizure. If you did, we need to know whether it was random, or eclampsia. If it is eclampsia we need to take the baby to protect her." I smile and nod... and more confusion sets in for me. It is amazing how your brain is just completely scrambled after a seizure. It almost feels out of body, and then you are occasionally thrown back into your body to process what has happened to you, but then thrown back out of your body before you can completely figure it out.

It took hours for them to get a room for me. I was put in the labor and delivery area, because that is where a woman with a 30 week pregnancy needs to be. All of my greatest fears start crashing in. The pregnancy before this ended at almost 12 weeks. An acquaintance from high school had pre-eclampsia and her baby had to be taken early. After a few weeks of a fairly healthy, but tiny and fragile, life, it suddenly ended. I couldn't bear the thought of something happening to my yet-to-be-born baby. I didn't want to go home to her almost completed room and have it remain empty. Please, God.

Scott eventually headed home to get the girls in bed and relieve our Pastor's wife, who came home from work and watched the girls for us. I cried. I didn't want to be alone. My parents showed up some time around 11 PM. I was so thankful to have some company. The doctors ran every big tests that I can think of. An EKG, ECHO, EEG, MRI.. so many tests on no sleep. All of them keep saying that they think that what happened was just because of dehydration. This really upset Scott. "I know what I saw. That was not just dehydration." I don't know what he saw. I don't really want to know, because my heart breaks for him having to witness that.

The next day we finally get some results of the test. A resident tells me that I have a hole in my heart; a PFO. I was born with it, and will need to get more testing done to be sure that it is not big enough to need repaired. Great. The neurologist tells me that I did in fact have a seizure. They are going to put me on something that I need to take twice a day to prevent another seizure. Another seizure could cause me to go into labor too early, or potentially kill the baby. The baby is developed enough that the medication is safe to take.

The next day was Saturday; my birthday. They tell me that I will be discharged. I am handed what feels like a massive packet of discharge instructions. I am now a high-risk pregnancy. I have to see my OB once a week, and get non-stress tests done twice a week. I also have to follow up with a cardiologist and my neurologist. Also, I am no longer allowed to drive. "At least six months."

A half a year ago today, our lives changed forever. My husband had to drive me everywhere. I had to sit hooked up to machines twice a week to make sure that our baby was still doing ok. Several times I had to have additional ultrasounds because her behavior was scary. Once I had to go to Labor and Delivery because her behavior was REALLY scary and they thought she was in distress.

A half a year ago today, my life was altered. A half a year ago today, my faith in God was tested. A half a year ago today, my faith in God GREW. A half a year ago today, I had the choice to let what happened to me- to us- make me bitter, or to let it make me better. I think that I honestly have bounced back and forth between the two. I sometimes feel bitter. At the beginning of the year, I was healthy. I had to use an inhaler before exercising, but that was it. Now, in November I have a hole in my heart, an undiagnosed seizure disorder, I fell down the stairs while pregnant, I had a breast cancer scare, I had to make the hard decision to no longer be able to have any more biological children, my aunt has been diagnosed with cancer, my grandparents are in failing health, and I was terrified for my baby's life on more than one occasion. I have asked "Why me?" a few times. I have sat crumpled up in tears wondering why things just kept piling on top of me.

Sometimes though, probably most of the time, I am better. I KNOW that God won't let me down. Even if things had turned out differently, He would still have been in every situation. I don't always understand what He is doing, but I know that He is good and that is good enough for me. I have this beautiful miracle sleeping in a swing next to me. I have two other miracles whose smiles light up a room. I am thankful that the pregnancies with them never had these problems, because I had those strange spells in every one of them, and the doctors could never figure out what caused them. When they finally turned into a full-blown seizure, God protected me. He placed Scott behind a lawn mower facing me at a time when he typically would have been in his office. He placed me next to a slide that my body slowly fell onto and slid off of, instead of me plummeting to the ground belly first. He placed a neighbor next to us that was able to quickly get my girls away from the situation, so that they would not be afraid of all that was happening. He kept Harper safely inside of my belly until she was completely developed and strong. He was IN IT ALL. I never once have doubted his goodness.

It is hard to believe that it has been half of a year. Sometimes it feels like it was so recent, and other times it feels like it has been an eternity. On Monday, I will go see my neurologist, and he will fill out a five page form that clears me to drive. Or, he may say that I have to wait longer. I have had a few of those strange spells in recent weeks. I do not know if he will do another EEG before clearing me, or what is going to happen. I do know that God is in it all.

It doesn't all stink.

Happy Halloween!! Today has been a rough one in our household. I am not here to dwell on that, however. I figured out the up-side to this dairy allergy. Halloween candy did not control me today! I usually have self-control when it comes to candy. I am not a huge candy eater under normal circumstances, but Halloween usually gets me.

And just for the heck of it, here is a picture of my little Elsa and Anna.

I am not into doing what is super-trendy. I find it annoying to be like everyone else. So, the fact that every other little girl is dressed like this sort of annoys me. However, I also 100% believe in letting my girls choose who or what they want to be for Halloween.. and letting their individuality show. These girls literally will act out entire scenes from the movie. It's crazy. A couple of nights ago I heard them in their bedroom "WHEEE THIS IS SO FUN!" "Slow down, Anna" and on and on and on it goes.

Addison is THREE!!!

My "middle child" turned THREE on Monday. Once again, where has the time gone?!

I still remember the day that she came into this world. She was only 8 pounds, 6 ounces; 21 inches long. She had such long, dark hair, and it was beautiful. I thought that she was so tiny and perfect.

She is still perfect in my eyes, but sure does give me a run for my money!

Here is my baby girl after she was born. Look at all of that hair!!!

First Birthday

Second Birthday

Third Birthday



This little girl.. Where do I even start with her. She is a huge animal lover. She loves looking at pictures of animals and pretending to be them. She is very into horses especially right now. She is LOUD. Goodness this child is loud. She has this shrill screech/scream thing that she likes to do, and she thinks it's hilarious. She is wild and spunky and not afraid to tell you like it is. She will tell you to leave her alone if she doesn't want to be bothered. She refuses to believe that her name is Addison since we have called her Addi for so long. And, don't you dare try to throw the middle name in the mix. It will all be over for you! haha!

But, she is the most tender-hearted little girl I have ever seen. Her feelings get hurt very easily. She cried during a move once because a character got hurt. I had to comfort her until she saw that he was ok. She gives the best bear hugs. She loves being a big sister. Every morning that I bring Harper upstairs, I will lay her on a blanket on the floor to get her diaper changed. Addi is immediately by my side ready to help or just give hugs and kisses. She loves to pretend to be a doctor and always wants to kiss boo-boos for everyone. She is super funny and has a wild imagination. She is such a problem-solver and will produce pretend screw drivers, boxes, etc. whenever they are needed.

I could go on and on about my kids for days, so I will stop with the biggest parts of her huge personality.

Addi, you are a huge blessing to your family. You are so sweet and kind. You have enough personality to fill the room, and I hope that you never lose that. We love you so much, little one!!

Harper -3 months

Goodness, where does the time go?! My baby girl is over three months old. Wasn't she just born yesterday?

Here come the pictures...

Above is newborn, 1 month, and 2 months. That 2 month picture cracks me up. She was trying to giggle, but just couldn't figure it out.

Here is Harper at 3 months. Her cat hat is crooked, so it looks like we made her some dark unicorn or something. I promise that she is a cute kitty and not the unicorn of death!!

She tries to roll onto her side. She started giggling while we were in Illinois. My dad got to hear her first giggle. Well, I think anyway. I asked him if he heard it, and he nodded, so maybe he didn't even hear my question. ;) He is hard of hearing sometimes. Harper took her first trip, obviously to Illinois. She finally got to meet her aunts and uncles (all but Uncle Jason anyway). She adored her Papa, and loved to snuggle on his shoulder. She is still very much a mama's girl, which I absolutely eat up! I don't mind holding her all day every day. :p My back minds after a while, but I try to tell it to be quiet. Also, I don't hold her all day before the stoning takes place via internet.

She loves to stretch out on the floor and have Addi smother her with love and kisses. She sleeps through the night most nights, and takes usually three long naps during the day. Sleepy girl, just like her mama. She has the sweetest little voice, and is an extremely happy baby. She only cries if she is hungry, if I have eaten something that she is allergic to, or if she is with people she doesn't know.

I am not sure on her length, but she was just over 12 pounds at an appointment that I made right before she turned 3 months. She is wearing 3-6 month clothes now, but can still wear most 0-3 mo. pants. Harper is my smallest baby, and is not growing at the insane rate that my older two did. It makes me happy that I get to cling to the tiny baby phase a little longer!

Harper, you are such a blessing to our family. Your huge gummy grins light up the entire room. We love you so much!!

Some good advice

My home-pastor is a great mentor for Scott and I. His wife is this beautiful lady (inside and out). I have never heard her say a mean word to anyone. She always has a smile on her face, but is also gracious enough to admit if it's been a rough morning. She even does that with a smile! I have always looked up to them and wanted to "be like" them when it comes to the ministry.

Scott and I spent a week in Illinois with our families. Our home-church is included in that. They are family to us. There is NOTHING like going back. Nothing at all. Pastor called me into his office because he wanted to say hi. He will be going through hip replacement surgery November 10, and that is why he did not come to me. He is in a lot of pain, so pray for him.

Anyway, he calls me in and chats a little about his life, and asks about mine. I share something with him that had hurt my feelings a little, and that has been eating away at my brain since it happened. He told me, "Let it go." He told me to stop worrying about what other people think. Stop trying to be like "so and so". "BE YOU" he said. He said to be kind, be Jesus, but be ME. I don't have to try to please everyone because it is not going to ever happen.

If you know me, then you know that I am a people pleaser. I have said in previous posts that I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings, or even feel like I MAY hurt them. I am willing to get trampled by them, and I will just smile and pretend that it's all ok. I long to be a better wife, mother, leader, etc. There is nothing wrong with that, but I focus to much on being a wife like "so and so" or a mom like "so and so". The only "so and so" that I need to be like is Christ. He offended with his message. The Bible is always going to offend. I need to stop worrying about what others will think of me if I start to stand up for myself. I always stand up for my beliefs when it comes to the Bible and my faith. But, I am afraid to speak out if something upsets me for fear of upsetting others. Why am I so willing to be upset and hurt? I am tired of feeling defeated and beat down by peoples' words and actions. They shouldn't matter. If it is something that DOES matter, then I need to speak up and say something about it.

I love sitting in a chair across from Pastor's desk. Even as a teenager he would welcome me into his office ready to give me some advice. He always ended his talks with "stay pure." when I was a teen. Now, he ends them with, "I love you. I hope you know that!" October is Pastor's appreciation month. I appreciate my "home pastor" so very much for all that he has done for me since I started coming to church in the 6th grade. (I have known him for even longer, but that is another story!)

Fix my eyes..

Have you heard the song "Fix My Eyes" by For King and Country? Listen to it. I'll wait..

I think it's fitting for what I have been convicted about. This is my husband's current favorite song. What am I fixing my eyes on? AM I TAKING THE TIME FOR OTHERS?

Today, a friend this video from The Meta Picture's website. Watch it. I'll wait again..

How convicting. Are you convicted? I am. I don't even have a smart phone, but I am still convicted.

I love Facebook for the fact that it still allows me to connect to friends that live far away; to family that lives far away. However, I no longer receive calls from some family. My sisters and I do a fairly good job of calling each other to talk. That's it though. The phone works both ways. I understand that. But, there are times when I try to resist calling to see just how long it would take for them to call me... eventually I give in and call because I miss them. I worry about calling my grandparents, because they struggle to breathe when talking. They have 17 great grand children (the count may be higher now, I can't keep track) so you can imagine how many grand children and children call them. Shame on me though. I should still at least call and SAY "I love you." because I do.

I should stop trying to run for my camera or the camera on my phone to capture pictures and video of my children. I should be more in the moment. Just enjoy them doing something silly instead of wasting seconds that add up to minutes and hours of time that I have with them. They are children for such a short time. While these days seem long.. so, so long.. the years are SO short. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. While I will be grateful for the pictures that I have of my little ones when they are grown, I know that I need to do better.

It is currently nap time for my kiddos, just in case anyone thinks that I am wasting time writing about how I need to spend more time with them.

This also convicts me about my relationship with Scott. I enjoy getting to interact with people on facebook; to catch up with friends and see what is going on in my family's life. But, really, do I need to see a picture of what they are having for dinner? Do I need to know the exact timing of the run that my sisters have just finished? Don't get me wrong. I want to know what is going on in their lives, but is it something that I need to know RIGHT NOW, or is it something that can wait for those phone calls that we exchange? I am so caught up in it, no matter how much I want to pretend that I don't NEED it. I have a wonderful man who comes home from serving others all day, and he comes home to serve his family. He jumps in and plays with the girls while I make dinner. Sometimes he even surprises me by doing the dishes while I am feeding Harper after dinner. Why would I rather spend time with a computer screen after the girls go to bed then spend time with him? He DESERVES more from me.

Not to mention the fact that we waste so much time on the internet that we could be spending with God. How many hours in prayer do I spend compared to how many hours I spend "with" my friends/family on facebook? THIS IS KEY. The ratio for me is so far off. What about you? How are you doing in this area? Are you spending more time in the Word and in prayer than you spend on facebook or instagram? Are you spending more time texting meaningless things back and forth than you are spending with God?

Wow.

I completely needed this video. I think I have seen it before, but it really struck me today. I am failing. But, life is not over yet, and I am determined to change it. I am going to fix my eyes on what matters.

Rules for visiting a baby OUTSIDE of the home

There are hundreds of blog posts that give great tips for visiting a new mom. This one is my favorite. There is a lot of criticism towards this article.. that it's absurd to have such a long list of rules when people just want to see the baby. Some of them are a bit much for me, but you know what? That mama worked hard. No delivery, recovery, etc. is going to be completely easy. Even if it is, having a new baby is tiring. If you feel like you are ENTITLED to see the baby, why can't a mom feel "entitled" to lay down some ground rules for when you come to visit. Navigating those first weeks, and sometimes months is a difficult task. That is HER baby, not yours. She can make whatever rules she wants to, and you just have to live with it because she is mommy and you are not. Not to mention, you are coming into HER home. Is it really that bad to be expected to WASH YOUR HANDS and not stay very long?


Anyway.

I feel like there is a lack of posts that give some ground rules for when a person is interacting with a new mom and baby, especially in a church-type situation. At church, you end up going from person to person who violates these rules. By the time you finally reach the door to leave, you want to collapse into a ball and cry... or maybe I am the only one. Here are some things that I wish that more people would think about.

1. Look, don't touch Babies are cute and sweet, and everyone wants to get their hands on them. While I am not a huge germaphobe, I do not want people touching my baby's hands or face. My baby sucks her thumb. whatever germs you have all over your hands just got on hers, and are now in her mouth. Plus, if she gets sick it is going to trickle through our family, and three sick kids is not an easy task. Don't touch her face either. Would you really want someone poking all over your face? Especially someone that you don't know?

2. Think before you "tell the baby" things. Whenever people talk to my baby about the things that they feel that I am doing wrong, it really frustrates me. If you have a problem, just say it to the mother instead of, "Oh, your mommy needs to support your head more, doesn't she?" Maybe it would be better if you just didn't say anything at all unless the child's health or life is in danger. Most moms are doing the best that they can, and doing what they believe to be right in their hearts. I can't get over how much criticism has been given to me by talking to my babies. Talking to my baby is fine, obviously, but please don't use it as an opportunity to tear me down.

3. ASK if it is ok to hold the baby This seems like it should be a no-brainer, right? I have had several people actually take my baby out of my hands without asking me if it was even ok to hold her. No, not strangers, but it is still not ok. Just because we go to church together does not mean that I want you taking my baby out of my hands... especially when I have FINALLY calmed her down from a crying fit. I actually enjoy holding my baby. The only times I need a "break" from it are when I am home and have had to hold her all day long if she is not feeling well or upset. That is what her daddy is for.

4. Limit the amount of time you spend extra close to the baby I have three little girls. I have always been in churches that are filled with people who love to love on my little babies. That is fantastic. I would much rather that than the people who hate babies and feel the need to say so. However, the more time you spend in a baby's face, the more time you are also in the mom's face. I understand that people want to see the baby up close. That is understandable. Babies are cute. But, so many people just stay there. Maybe this is just me, but I have a bubble. I prefer for people to spend a majority of their time outside of that bubble when interacting with me... and my bubble isn't even that big. I want at least a foot between our faces.

5.If you see that a mom is rushing, don't stop her Getting a baby ready to go anywhere is stressful. Inevitably, as soon as they are in the carseat, they will spit-up on whatever they are wearing. So, you have to start all over again. I am usually running behind when I get to church. I am trying to high-tail it to the nursery so that I can feed her (she doesn't take a bottle very well yet, so I feed her in the nursery to ensure that she can make it through both services) and make it to Sunday School on time. Please, just say hi and let me keep rushing. If you see a mom in a grocery store with a baby, and she looks frazzled, just smile politely and keep going. If the baby is screaming, don't even make eye contact. Pretend that you don't hear the baby. I have had so many people stare at me if my baby is screaming; even other mom's who are holding babies. I am sure that you have heard a baby cry before. If you are a mother, you know how much you are sweating and desperate to disappear when the screaming episodes happen in public.

6. Always acknowledge siblings There are so many times that my sweet older girls are completely ignored because people want to see the baby. If older siblings are next to the baby. Please say hello to them. Make sure that they know that they are not completely forgotten. They are going through a lot of changes with a new baby at home. Please try to make this easier on them.

***I am editing this post to add to it**
7. Just because it was ok "when your kids were little" does not mean it is ok now A lot of research has been done in the last 20+ years. Babies are safer in five-point harness car seats. We would all be safer if we could have a five-point harness. Just because you survived however you rode in the car doesn't mean anything. Why wouldn't you want to do what is safer for a child if you now know better? Babies do not need water or rice in their bottles. They get all of the hydration and nutrients they need in their milk or formula. Once again, a mother is doing what she feels is best in her heart. If you are watching a baby, respect what the mom wants. Don't give things to the baby that she has asked you not to. Watching a baby is a privilege. It is not a right. If you break a mom's trust by doing something just because "it was ok when your kids were little"; most likely you will no longer be watching that baby.


8. Be supportive Breast milk is always better than formula- God made us this way, and that is what I choose to do. If a mother is struggling with breast feeding- offer her encouraging words instead of suggesting that she just give up. I have only stopped breast feeding in the past because of another pregnancy. Even then, I kept going until I literally was no longer producing any milk. I have had issues every time with breast feeding, but I am stubborn and stuck/am sticking with it. I can't tell you how many times I have been told to just give up. "It's not worth it." To me, it is incredibly worth it. However, if a mother reaches the point where it feels like too much, and she switches to formula, do not harass her about it. That decision is tough. It was hard on me even though my only other option would have been to starve my babies. I have never started a baby out on formula, so I can't relate to the feelings of being given a hard time about that. Just be supportive though. I have said it a million times (or maybe it just feels that way): EVERY MOM IS DOING WHAT SHE FEELS IS BEST IN HER HEART. Why don't we just start supporting each other in this journey?


This post is incredibly self-serving. I will admit that. I do not like hurting people's feelings. I have a hard time speaking up when something bothers me. I have asked my husband to speak up for me because he is much better at it than I am. I just don't like seeing the hurt on people's faces when I say "no". If people don't even ask and just plow through, I am often too shocked to figure out the words to say. I want people to read this and realize that maybe their actions can be completely overwhelming without intending to be that way. I don't think anyone sets out to be an annoying person, though there are a few people who leave me scratching my head. If you read this and feel guilty, know that you are most certainly not the only person doing these things. But, please, don't just read this and keep on doing the same things that you have been doing. Try to be less overwhelming if you realize that you are doing it.

I always struggle a lot when I have a new baby. I am assured in what I am doing. I LOVE having a new baby in the house, so it is not the baby that causes the struggle. I don't mind the sleep depravation, because I love my baby. I want to spend time with her. I don't want to have to share her at all; just being honest here. Even visiting family is a struggle, because I end up feeling like I miss out on days of her life. I want to snuggle her as much as possible and soak up every moment of her infancy. It goes by too quickly. That is where I struggle. Infancy only lasts one year. One short year that flies by all too quickly. It is even harder this time because I will never get that again. I am never going to have a brand new baby that is my flesh and blood to snuggle. I struggle with everyone wanting to pass my baby around. I always want to rush through the crowds and get home where I feel "safe". I know that at home I can soak it all up without having to share with anyone but her daddy and sisters... which makes my heart just as happy as when I am holding her.

What about you? Do you have anything to add to this list?

Enough

When I first started this blog, I wanted it to be upbeat and happy. I wanted to share how much Chloe was growing. It was a way to keep people updated on how things were going.. if our family was growing, etc. But, I also want this blog to be real and honest. Our life is great. I have three beautiful girls that are healthy and happy. I have the most amazing husband who works so hard to provide for our family. But, I feel like we are in a "valley" right now. We have been in a valley for a while.

Things have been a struggle for our family for over a year. Scott's job.. the ministry here.. the work God has called us to do.. is constantly in question. Not IF he is doing the ministry, but just the fact that our church is really struggling to stay afloat right now. We just keep trying to love on people in our community and show Christ's love. We pray a lot, too. It is not about the money, or how many activities we can have, or saving the "jobs" of Pastor and Scott. It is about souls... lost people. Our hearts are breaking for the people around us; knowing that they have no hope.

My health has been a struggle this year. I still am sitting at an "undiagnosed seizure disorder". I had a breast cancer scare. My health is no longer an issue or a worry as long as I don't have another seizure; and I don't really think that I will.

I am still struggling with finding what works and doesn't work to eat. Harper is so sensitive to a lot of foods. Spicy foods make her fussy and hurt her little tummy. Caffeine upsets her tummy. Dairy, eggs, and soy are off limits. She is healthy, and I am so grateful, but I don't want to cause her pain and discomfort.

There are also the daily frustrations of having a new baby. Not Harper, herself. She is awesome. But, people have no boundaries or filter when a new baby is around. They will talk "to Harper" and tell her the things that I am doing "wrong". For example, after I fed her at church, Harper was told "Oh, mama gave you more of that stuff that hurts your belly." They do whatever they want and say whatever they want. They are constantly poking at her and messing with her. They don't think about how much they are in MY face every day. I have had her taken out of my arms by someone who did not ask if they could hold her. Someone I knew, but it is still not ever ok to take a child out of a mother's arms without asking. I just feel like no one respects mom's with babies. We know nothing and everything that we do is wrong. I am just really struggling with that. I love how encouraged I feel after sermons at church, but the crowd of people who won't let me move and try to tell me what I am doing wrong leaves me feeling completely drained, discouraged, and frustrated.

Every mom already feels inadequate at what she does. Or, maybe it's just me. I AM ENOUGH. I need to tell myself that daily, and I need to believe it. God created me to do what I am doing. This is my purpose. This is my talent. I love my children fiercely. I am doing exactly what I feel is best for them, and I approach what I do with lots of prayer. I try to not make decisions based upon what I want, but what God wants of me. I am homeschooling Chloe because I feel like that is what God wants of me right now. It is what is best for her. I breast feed Harper in spite of the food allergies because it is still a thousand times better for her than formula (which she would also be allergic to..). Addison is learning at home also. My kids are all healthy. They are happy. They are LOVED. I am enough for them...

Even though we feel like we keep sinking into valley's, God is still enough for us. That is the most important thing of all. He loves me even when I feel inadequate and mess up. He loves my children even when they are rotten and feisty. God is enough.

2 months old

Newborn

1 month old

2 months old (not the best picture, sorry kiddo)

Harper is already 2 months old!! She is getting her own personality, and it is so fun to see. She smiles and coos at us. She has started to suck her thumb (when she can get it in her mouth) to self soothe. Her hair is getting longer, but not thicker. She goes to sleep between 9 and 10 at night, and usually wakes up only once or twice. She is not a morning person much like her Mama. She likes to wake up and eat around 6 or 7, and then goes back to sleep. She would sleep past 10 if we didn't have to get up for the day before that. She takes several naps throughout the day. Here are some stats on her:

Weight: 11 pounds 1 oz
Height: 24 inches

We had family pictures taken today... our first pictures as a family of FIVE!! I was incredibly stressed out all morning. Three small girls are not easy to get to cooperate. They did so well though. We got some really sweet pictures of the girls individually, together, and all five of us. Nevermind that my hair was wild and crazy.. the girls smiled and were happy and cooperative. I can't wait to get them in! I am still blown away by being a family of FIVE. :D It makes my heart happy!

Next Thursday

Next Thursday marks two years since we lost our baby.. our Quinn Lael.. our "counsel" "belonging to God". That hurt has NEVER left my heart. I know that God has a purpose for everything we go through; even if we don't see it this side of Heaven. Or maybe not on the other side. Who knows.

The week I lost Quinn, THREE of my friends/family members lost babies.. one of those people being unsaved. I always prayed (maybe morbidly..) that if I ever faced the pain of losing a child, that I would handle it with grace. That my words and actions would NEVER turn people away from God. I pray that I did that. I pray that I still do.

My heart still aches. My heart hurts to think about it all.. the trip to the hospital; knowing that my baby's life was gone. The trip home after having it confirmed.. all of it. It hurts.

When we found out we were pregnant with Quinn, we were scared. Three babies.. three kids under three. We talked about not having anymore. I don't think that I would have gone through with that decision if the baby had lived. But, I don't know.. and I am not going to play the "what if" game or it would make my mind crazy... there are just too many scenarios.. such as, Harper not being in our lives.

My life is so blessed. I do not mean this to be a huge downer of a post. But, if you think of me next week, please say a prayer for my heart. It hurts so much more on the "anniversary" of the baby's passing.. and on the due date.

Being a Mama..

First, the results of the ultrasound of my breast were that I have dialated ducts. I am not 100% sure what it means, but it is nothing to worry about. That's all I need to know. Thank you for the prayers!!

Second, Scott and I rented "Mom's Night Out" from Redbox last night. I LOVED IT!! In the first five minutes, I turned to Scott and said "They made a movie about me!" He grinned.. I think afraid to agree.. and finally, timidly said "I was thinking the same thing.." It is excellent. The more the movie went on, the more I felt like it was made just for me. Then, towards the end of the movie Trace Adkins' character was talking to the main "mom" character. I was moved to tears.. He said, "You spend so much time beating yourselves up. It must be exhausting.. I doubt the good Lord made a mistake giving your kiddos the Mama He did. So, you just be YOU. He'll take care of the rest."

I felt like he was speaking directly to me. I feel so inadequate. I ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy. ALWAYS!!! Now that I am a mommy, there are days where I feel like God must have been confused. I am not made for this. This is so FALSE. God does NOT make mistakes. He gave me these beautiful blessings. No matter how inadequate I AM, HE IS ENOUGH. He will take care of it all.

I am not being paid to write any of this. I honestly can't even find the words to describe how much I love this movie. I want to buy it and watch it every day to remind myself that I am not enough on my own for my kids. I need to stop trying to do it all. I need to stop being so unhappy. I bring it upon myself. I push myself to hard and put too much pressure on myself. I am not enough, but He is. All I can do is strive to honor Him, and teach my babies about Him. The rest will take care of itself.

My lumps..

If you have ever breast fed a baby, you know that things can get.. lumpy.. in the mornings. I was making sure that I didn't end up with mastitis (My goal is to nurse Harper without ever getting it.. we'll see) when I felt a lump that didn't feel normal. I had my 6 week checkup today and had my doctor check it out. She is almost certain that it is not cancerous, but is sending me to have an ultrasound done just to be safe. I am not sure of the date yet, as they are setting it up for me and will call to let me know when it will be.

Please pray that it ends up being nothing. I am sure it is, but there is always the possibility that it COULD be something. On the first day of May I was in my 7th month of a normal pregnancy, and the only health issues I had were exercise induced asthma and insomnia. On May 8th I ended up being in my 7th month of a high risk pregnancy, being diagnosed with a seizure disorder, and finding out that I have a heart defect. I took a painful express flight down the stairs a week later, and while getting my epidural during labor I was told I have slight scoliosis. Phew.

You know what though? GOD IS STILL GOOD! He is in control of all of this, even if it feels like things are spinning out of control when it comes to my health. I can start working out now and am looking into getting some sort of supplement to help me get the nutrition that I need. I am busy, and about to get even more busy. Fast snacks are always junk and no good for me. I am really trying to improve this, but I need an extra boost. This dairy allergy is really making things difficult for me, but I know I will get used to it. Once I get the hang of it, I may not want to go back to "normal".

Please just keep me in your prayers as I am feeling a little nervous.

Chloe is FOUR!!

Chloe turned FOUR on Friday (the 15th). It is so hard to believe that it has been four years since we brought our baby home. We were so terrified and excited all at once. I couldn't imagine having a child older than an infant. I was excited to find out the kind of person she would become. She wears me out A LOT. She is stubborn, feisty, strong-willed, and rotten. However, she is also so kind-hearted, intelligent, caring, and sweet.

Her current favorite things:
color- PINK! It was blue for years, and now she loves pink.
animal- she still insists that hippos are her favorite.
toys- barbies and ponies
movie- Little Mermaid and Frozen
show- she loves some weird show called Noddy in Toyland.. she also loves Handy Manny and all of the Disney Jr. shows
food- She loves greens.. the other day she was dipping baby kale leaves in a tiny bit of ranch and eating them like candy.

She loves to play dress up and pretend that she is a princess. She wears costumes to the store and to church. She loves to wear skirts and dresses daily. If not those, then she wears leggings. She loves all things that sparkle. She is super excited to start school, and says she is excited that I am going to be her teacher. (I, however, am terrified of doing well at it)

Here are a few pictures of her big girl birthday. She had a great day.

Chloe, you are such a blessing in our lives. You are a great big sister to Addison and Harper. We love you SO much.

1 month old

Harper turned one month old on Monday. It is so hard to believe that this beautiful, wonderful blessing came into our lives one month ago.

This is the first picture that I ever took of Harper.

Here is Miss Harper one her 1 month "birthday".

She is growing and changing so quickly. She likes to be carried like a football. she likes to be swaddled as long as her arms are sticking out from her burrito-wrapped blanket. She also loves to take a warm bath. There aren't many milestones at 1 month, but she did grab ahold of her hair the other day and cried because she just kept pulling it. I giggled the whole time I was trying to pry her tiny fingers out of her hair. She sleeps pretty well, but has started to wake up around 2AM for a few hours. I am pooped. Pooped, but SO blessed.

Dark Days

Some days just feel really dark. They are a struggle to get through. It feels like there is no hope at all.

Today is one of those difficult days. Let me start by saying that when I have a newborn, I just want to hide away with them and not share them with anyone. I want to really relish in every moment of their infancy, because it goes by SO fast. They depend on me. They rely on me. They appreciate me. I love my church family, but bringing a new baby into a church is almost full of torture. Everyone immediately surrounds you and gets in your face. It is impossible to move. There is nowhere to hide. It is a struggle for me.

This is how I feel in life right now. I am stuck; unable to move. There are days where tears just stream down my face for seemingly no reason at all. I feel like no one cares. There have been many days where my own husband has looked at me when there are hot tears running down my face. He doesn't even notice. This leaves me feeling even more uncared for.

Since the day he went back to work (Harper was 1 week old) I went back to my usual duties. I have kept up with keeping the house clean (vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, dishes, etc.) The only thing I fall behind on is laundry. Our laundry area is in the basement, and our main living area is upstairs. I don't trust leaving the big girls alone with Harper to throw loads in, so that usually gets caught up on during the weekends with the help of Scott. I just feel like no one truly appreciates any of it. I work hard to prepare meals with foods that Chloe and Addison love, and they refuse to eat and complain that they don't like it.

Today, I got Harper and myself all dressed and to the church. She started to fuss just as the message started, but I thought she would fall asleep. I left ALL of our stuff and I stepped into the hall with her so that she did not disturb anyone and "rocked" her in my arms. She started acting hungry. Since I left my nursing cover, I went into my husband's office to feed her where no one could see. Once she finished eating, she projectile vomited all over herself, me, and Scott's floor. I cleaned it up with toilet paper (that's all there was around..) and asked Addison's teacher to pass the message on to Scott that I was going home. I was totally soaked and did not have my phone or a change of clothes for Harper.

During the big girls' supposed nap time, Addison would not go to sleep. I went in to check on her and she had painted the walls with her POOP. EVERYWHERE!!! I made her start cleaning up the walls while I got some more supplies. Scott came upstairs and started helping. 30 or so minutes later, the poop was finally scrubbed off of the walls and cleaned up of the floor. Her walls are stained because this is not the first (or second, or third, or fourth...) time that she has done this... Chloe screamed and threw a fit the whole time she was in her room because I would not let her play with my iPad or paint in her room.

I didn't get much sleep last night, and that is probably adding to this darkness that I feel surrounding me. I love my life. I love my three girls. I love my husband. I just feel like none of it is returned. I don't know why. Not every day is this way. In fact, most days I feel vibrant and as full of life as a mom with a newborn and two toddlers can feel. Some days just get dark and begin to feel hopeless.. and I just wish that someone would notice that I feel like I am drowning... especially the one who is supposed to really SEE me.

I know that none of this is true. There is always hope in Jesus. This darkness will not win. I refuse to be overtaken by it. One these dark days, I fight my way back to the light. I don't let it get the best of me. My girls are such beautiful, vivacious, and bubbly beings. They are my world. My husband is hard-working man who loves Jesus and wants to share the gospel with the world. My God is a God who saves me and shows me grace even though I am so unworthy.

It's ok to have dark days. It is not easy to have them, but it is ok. I feel like everyone thinks there is shame in struggle. I find my strength when I struggle. Never let the dark days win. If you are struggling, it means you have something to fight for. Keep fighting. Keep seeing all of the blessings around you.

Life

I took some pictures of Harper the other day. We didn't get any pictures done in the hospital, so I am really sad. I am not a photographer by any means, but I just snap away.

Addison wanted to lay with Harper and get her picture taken.

This is as close as Chloe would get.

Last night we were blessed with this amazing sunset!! I love the view that we get of the sunset here. It is always amazing and beautiful in the Fall. This is just another sign that it is so close!! I cannot wait for pumpkin everything!!!

I bought matching Halloween shirts for all three girls. I am so excited for it all!

Scatter brained

If my blog posts don't make a lot of sense right now; well, I am not surprised! I sit down to write and get distracted by a hungry baby or a screaming Chloe. I only "play" on the computer during nap time, so that is when I try to write. My kids come first. Always. Writing on this blog is just fun for me, so I try to do it when I am not "on" mom duty so much. But, sometimes I leave the computer for too long to even remember what I was saying and I can't make sense of what I was trying to say.. so I just keep on a goin'. HA!


I love these three little girls so much. Harper is still sleeping pretty well. She goes to sleep around 11 PM, and had been sleeping until 10 AM (Yes, she wakes up to eat). Now, she has decided that 5 AM is an awesome time to start partying. My "new mom adrenaline" is wearing off and I am feeling the exhaustion of waking every few hours. It's not like you just wake up for 5 minutes every three hours. It is 30 or so minutes of being awake to feed her, then she is up 2 1/2 hours after that. I am thankful because coffee doesn't seem to affect her like it did Addison. I can drink a couple of cups and she is just fine. HALLELUJAH! I missed my coffee.

source

My oldest baby turns FOUR next week!!!! She wants this crazy difficult mermaid cake. I found dairy free cake and fondant recipes. We will see how this goes. haha! I love making the cakes for my girls. She is obsessed with mermaids, so we got her a mermaid doll. She also is outgrowing her shoes, so she is getting this awesome pair of rainbow colored sketchers that I got on clearance and some tinker bell flip flops. She starts our homeschool preschool next month. I am so not ready for it, but ready or not here it comes.

Addison is still silly and wild. She is obsessed with "baby Harper". Every morning when Harper and I walk upstairs she squeals about her baby sister. She is so bright and bubbly. I am so blessed to be her mama. I am blessed to have all of them as daughters. I love my crazy life.

I saw my neurologist on Monday, and he said that he would feel more comfortable if I stayed on the Keppra. He told me that it was up to me, but I appreciate that he told me what he would recommend. He said that there is an increased risk of me having another seizure since I have already had one. He doesn't want me to have a seizure while holding Harper and possibly harming her.. or one of the other girls. I agree with that.. I don't want to be on it for the rest of my life though.. I also don't want to have another seizure. Not that I remember the first one, but I want to stinking drive. I don't want to wake up on the floor and leave my kids without any adult.. because who knows how long I would be unconscious. The first time it was around 5 minutes. There's a lot to think about..

On the plus side, my girls aren't scarred for life. They like to pretend that their toys are "passed out", or that they are "passed out". They aren't afraid of it, it is just a game to them. :/ I feel bad that they won't forget what happened, but I am glad that they aren't afraid.

There is still a lot of stress on our family right now, but we feel so overwhelmingly blessed. :D Our life is so incredible, exhausting, thrilling, busy, and WONDERFUL.

Wonderful

When I stare at this tiny, brand new life next to me, I get completely overwhelmed. The way that God so intimately creates new life is amazing. Ten tiny fingers and toes... all of it.. it is just so wonderful. I love the newborn phase. I am completely worn out and have a hard time staying awake, but I love it. The big girls are still really good with Harper. Addison just has to learn to be more gentle with Harper. She wants so badly to play with her, but doesn't understand that she can't play yet. Chloe is slowly coming around to Harper. She mostly ignores her, but I occasionally catch her sneaking kisses and rubbing her soft head.

I love our family. Scott is always great when we have a new baby. He has it easy because he doesn't have to wake up and stay awake to feed Harper. He gets up, changes her diaper, and brings her to me. I didn't even have to ask him to do that. He just does it. I love him. I love them. I love it all.

Sometimes, when I think about the fact that we won't be having any more babies, my heart breaks. I have spent many nights sobbing over it. I know that we made the right decision. I put a lot of prayer, tears, and thought into the decision. It was not an easy one. It is personal, so I don't know why I have shared it on here, but it is difficult. I guess that I don't want anyone to ever feel alone if they have to make the decision. It is so hard. Scott said that he feels guilty that I am feeling some regret. I told him not to; that I know we did what we felt was best... Everyone says when you are done, you just know. But, what if your health forces you to make a decision that you were not ready for?

It is hard for me to not feel angry about the health concerns that caused us to even have to THINK about it. It has been difficult to not feel angry since May, when I had a seizure and was forced to stop driving and start seeing a million doctors and start having even more fear during this pregnancy. But, life is wonderful. God is good. ALWAYS. Through all of the FEAR, I have been safe. Harper was kept safe. Chloe was kept safe. Addison was kept safe. My husband was kept safe. Wonderful. It is all wonderful. No one should ever forget how wonderful life is. How wonderful the blessing of a new baby is... It is the most wonderful gift in this life.