My Four Arrows

I love my blog name. I love the meaning behind four arrows.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children[a] of one's youth.
Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate."
Psalm 127:3-5

That being said, I have decided to switch domains for my blog. Everything I read about blogging has the #1 rule as "Wordpress". So, I checked it out. I liked it, so I put a ring on it. Or something like that.. I don't even know.

Either way, I was able to get the title that I REALLY wanted. My Four Arrows.

Head over to MyFourArrows.wordpress.com to see the new blog. It is still under construction, so bear with me, please. If you use bloglovin', I am on there, too.

I feel like an indecisive teenager.. But, this sticks. I am leaving this blog active, because it has all of my memories from when Chloe was a newborn. That is the only reason that I feel really hesitant to say goodbye to this one. But, change is good. It's a fresh start. A blank slate.

I am keeping the beautiful logo that Lexi painted for me though!

Why

Part of my new direction is to really make something of this blog.

All Amazon links are affiliate links, so a portion of what you spend on products that I recommend will go to my family. If you don't want to help me out, that's fine. No hurt feelings.

I also have created a facebook page for the blog, so you can head over there and "like" it if you feel like it.

I love being a stay at home mom, but it's incredibly difficult to do on one tiny ministry income. Ministry is not about the money, so please don't misunderstand me. Our family has to survive, so I am trying to get creative in ways to help bring in some extra income.

Thanks for supporting me and this journey.

Direction

I think that we all need to find a direction in life. Where are you going? Where do you want to be in a week? In a month? In a year?

This is my goal.. to find my strength.

I feel like I have just been sort of drifting. I know that I want to be a good wife and mom all days. I want to represent Christ well. But, what else? I need to have a goal for myself.

So do you.

I was reading on Oak & Oats today about creating a mission statement for your blog. It doesn't have to be publicly shared; it's more for you.

I feel a little (lot) scatterbrained a lot of days. Life is crazy and hectic, and it has been throwing some MEAN curve balls in my direction. I feel like I have given up on even swinging and keep letting them pummel me. I need to regain my focus and direction.

So, I am challenging myself to create a mission statement for this blog. It is a random space where my brain gets poured out and attempted to form into coherent thoughts that help someone. Or, just inspire someone. I am a daydreamer, and a lot of that gets dumped on here, too. I am a mom, so my hashtag mom life gets poured out here as well. I am hurting, and that gets poured out.

There is so much that gets poured here, but I always want people to leave my blog space a little better than they were before.

I don't know if that has ever happened. Ever. But, that is my main goal.

I am challenging you also. What is your focus? What is your "mission statement" for your life? I still remember the mission statement that we created for our youth department back in high school. "H2O student ministries exists to expose unsaved teens to the love of Christ, bringing them into our fellowship, teaching them to observe all things so they can work and praise him."

Or something like that.

It's awesome. It gave us a direction and a purpose. It was a challenge to us as teens. We knew WHY we were doing what we were doing.

So, let's hear it. What is your WHY?

Grace that is Greater

I need God's grace. Oh, how I mess up. I am not good at life. I think I would receive a big fat "F" on my life report card.

I get frustrated. I get down. I get angry. I struggle. I am so far from perfect.

God is so merciful and so full of grace. He loves me in spite of, well, ME. He created me. He formed me and paid such close attention to every detail of me. He knew that I was going to be full of emotion. He knew that I was going to struggle with controlling my temper. He knew that I was going to be a big crybaby. He knew that I would feel unsatisfied. He knew it all.

Yet, He loved me. He doesn't want me to live this way. NO. Many of us think "OH, well God knew I was going to be this way, so it's ok for me to live like it." NO!!! He KNEW, but He desires so much more for us. He desires for me to live a controlled life. No, not like a puppet. Control my temper. Control my emotions. I need to know how to control myself. He desires for me to full of joy and content with where I am and what I have. Because, I have so much.

Don't just think that you are stuck and refuse to stay there. God's grace will help us.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

He will give us rest. We just have to come to Him.

Grief

When I wrote my post on Thursday, I was just dealing with some personal things. Frustrations with life and waiting.. September and the "anniversary" of losing our baby always puts me in a funk that is so hard to shake. I grieve for the loss. I grieve for the loss of the babies that I never got to have because of Epilepsy. I just grieve.

When I finished that post, I received a text from someone that I love very much that contained some really terrible news. I am grieving for her and what she found out; for what she is going to continue finding out for many, many years to come. I am heartbroken for her.. for all of them.. It's NOT about me. I have always been such an emotional person, and I feel the weight of what everyone else is going through, but only to an extent. I cannot imagine what she is feeling.

The next day, while picking up fabric for a Halloween costume, I received a phone call that has shattered my world. A friend was gone. Her life ended in the most shocking way imaginable, and I cannot wrap my mind around it. I just can't. I loved her. She was incredible and so full of life. She was hilarious and caring.. just amazing. I had just seen her when we were visiting our home church. I was able to give her a huge hug (she gives some of the best) and tell her how happy I was to see her.

When I was pregnant with Addison, we were home for my sister's wedding. This friend came up to me and said "Oh, I didn't know you were pregnant again!" I looked at her and said "What are you talking about?". I should back up. This friend is as sarcastic as they come. Or was, I guess. She liked pranks and all of that fun stuff. She stumbled over her words and a lot of "oh, you're.. you're not..." started coming out and I couldn't contain my laughter. I was 9 months pregnant. Big as a whale pregnant. She couldn't believe that I did that to her, and cracked up.

So, when I saw her this time, I told her that I was just talking about her and hoping that we were still friends after that. "We are. We are still friends." I remember telling her that I was glad. But, did I say enough? Gosh. That was our last conversation before she said bye to me after church. I heard Pastor whisper in her ear, "I love you. You know that? You know that I love you?" Why didn't I tell her that?! Why didn't I say more? Why did I joke about something stupid.

You NEVER know when it is going to be your last conversation with someone.. This grief is heavy. These regrets hurt. I should have told her how much she meant to me, because now I can't. I can't get that back.


I am trying SO HARD to lean on God, as I know that I should. But, it's hard to not be angry. He is good. He is ALWAYS, ALWAYS good and I KNOW that. But, I don't understand this. So, I continue praying and crying and trying hard to remember that He walked this earth in the form of a man. He knew all of these hurts and heartaches. He knows.

Jeremy Camp - He Knows (Lyric Video)

In this season of "stuck" I am constantly trying to remember this. My life is not bad. In fact, it is pretty wonderful to have three amazing little girls and a ridiculously handsome husband by my side. But, it doesn't feel "beautiful" right now. If that makes any sense at all? We are hurting and praying our way through some obstacles and challenges.

Life is beautiful though. It may not look like it right now, but it will be. God will open up the perfect door for us. He will show us his will and what this puzzle is that he is creating. We are being handed one piece at a time and we have to move and twist it to figure out just where it fits in all of this.

We have to have faith. God has never let us down before. Some days it feels like we are just falling, right? We ask God where He is in all of this.

He is preventing things from happening that we don't see. He is working in so many ways that we just cannot understand or fathom. What He has planned is far more beautiful than we can plan for ourselves.

What is God using to test you in right now? Are you trusting in Him and His plan? Are you so weary that you can't even pray; all you can do is cry? God knows. He hears the crying of your heart. Even though you may not be able to form the words, He knows....

And that reminds me of a beautiful Jeremy Camp song.

October Eves

October is my favorite month. I love the weather, pumpkin patch going, decorating for Halloween; all of it.

This October has just stunk though. It's kind of frustrating.

Scott and I are still in a waiting period. We're trying to praise in the hallway, but after 6 months or more of hanging in the hallway, it's starting to feel like the walls are closing in. Frustration is mounting. Exhausting is setting in.

October 1st Harper had her finger slammed in a bedroom door by one of her big sisters. Not a big deal, right? Not usually, but this time it cut a big chunk of her pinky off. Thankfully, no bone was broken, and it is healing as well as it can. Her finger is going to be deformed, but she is going to be just fine. Her chunky legs have been getting caught in the slats of her crib. Yesterday, it got stuck really badly and her leg is now black and blue. We've ordered some Wonder Bumpers to see if they help. If not, back they go. I'm also going to get some sleep sacks to put her in. I don't know what else to do. For now, she is sleeping in the pack and play.

We just keep getting more and more bad news in our family.. like, seriously, just STOP. Yes, I work with teenagers and that is exactly how they speak. But, I am so tired. I am TIRED of bad news. I am tired of heartache and hurt. I am just trying to lean on God's promises. We all need to.

Imange from French Press Mornings