Peace

This. I saw this yesterday. The timing could not have been more perfect.

We are seeking God's will. We are trying to be patient. We are waiting for an answer. It is so hard to wait. I am not a patient human being. But, all of this time is giving me the time to pray for peace with whatever the answer will be.

PEACE

I am trying so hard to keep that word in my mind. Peace if it's a yes. Peace if it's a no. Peace to accept whatever changes are coming.

Lord, please let it slip through my fingers if it is not your well. Please. I don't want to hold on to something so tight that I miss out on what you really want for me.

Cancer cannot...

Cancer may have interrupted my Dad's life. It may interrupt one day again. But, it cannot take away our family. It cannot take away our faith.

CANCER CANNOT WIN.

Dad had his last treatment yesterday. Then, he got to ring his graduation bell. I am telling you, I never thought I would be so excited about bell-ringing!

Please continue to pray for him. He goes in 6 weeks for blood tests to be sure that the cancer is gone.

Amazing.. or not?

This week has not been amazing. I am trying. I really, really am.

My kids asked to "go to nap" early today. We are all bored to death...

We made a trip to Target today. Saw a man sleeping under the trees near our house.. on the way home I saw an accident. This poor man was laying there on the ground and not moving with his motorcycle behind him. My heart was aching for him. I found out that the accident had JUST happened and that man had passed away. Please pray for his family. I know nothing about him.. But, I know that everyone has loved ones. I saw a comment from his niece on a news article. He was loved by people.


I just want to curl up in a ball and hide under the covers.

I want to make this week amazing for the kids. I want every day to be amazing. We set up our pool a few weeks ago. It needed cleaned, so I can't take them out to swim because of the chemicals in it right now.

I am throwing such a pity party for myself. This NEVER gets easier. Ever. I cry myself to sleep every night. Watching Chloe cry is hard. Seeing it affecting my kids is killing me..

I keep reciting my memory verse to myself over and over again.

Make today AMAZING

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This is my mantra for the summer. You can't just wake up with a bad attitude and expect the day to be amazing. Life is messy.

I want to be intentional with my time. I don't want to just let life happen around me. I want to wake up and grab the day by it's horns and make it awesome. I want to make memories with my girls. I want to love my husband fiercely. I don't want to be on my death bed with regrets. I want to be able to say "Man, that was amazing."

What about you? Life CAN be amazing. Sometimes you have to work for it. I have an amazing life. I have a God who loves and protects me.. and saves me. I have an amazing husband who I find ridiculously handsome. He is unafraid of leading our family to do what is right; to follow God. I have three beautiful girls who constantly make me laugh. Don't get me wrong, they can make me crazy, too. But, they are awesome and hilarious. Life is pretty amazing.

I want them to have a fun and magical childhood. I want them to have tons of memories of playing and being loved on.

This is the start of a difficult week. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and memorizing scripture to get me through it. I am determined to make it amazing. I am determined to not let fear and doubt ruin it for us.

Speak life

Do you ever see someone, and you just...

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Fess up.

Thought so.

I admit, there are certain people that I do try to avoid. You know that phrase "Be a fountain, not a drain"? I TRY to avoid drains. I want to surround myself with people who speak life into me. People who are just so encouraging and delightful to be around. Nothing is worse than having a great day and having someone suck the life out of it. Or, even worse, when you are having a really hard time and someone tries to compete; acting as though their day is so much worse than yours.

You know the kind of people I am talking about. I am sure everyone can picture at least one.

I am challenging you while challenging myself. I often wonder if I am one of those drains that people desperately try to avoid. It has been such a rotten, horrible, terrible year that I feel like a drain. Someone will ask how my family is. Oh, you know.. my dad has cancer. My aunt has cancer. My uncle has to re-learn how to read. On the list goes. I don't usually answer that way unless it is my best friend asking how everyone is. They know all of the situations though, so they want an update, not the depressing list. ;)

I want to be a fountain. I want to be one of those people who just radiates the love of Jesus. Someone who just shines. I don't want to shine for my own glory though. Not at all. I want people to see Jesus in me without even having to speak to me. I want God to get all of the glory.

My kids have been sick. It is the middle of July. I haven't been to church since June because this virus just won't go away. It has left me with A LOT of time to think about things. This has been one of the main things I have been thinking about.

I have tried to surround myself with people who are uplifting to me. I need that. We all do. That is not to say that I will not speak to those "drains", but I do try to limit the amount of time. I try to speak some life into them. However, once the whirlpool starts swirling to suck me down, I try to politely end the conversation. Having little kids makes that pretty easy, because I usually have to chase them down.

How do you handle situations like this? What have you found to be the most effective way to stop someone from sucking the life and energy out of your day?

Let me entertain you...

I am going to be alone night and day with the girls for 5 1/2 days soon. Now, I am their mom. Other than not feeling safe in this house, I am not worried about being a PARENT. If I am honest, it kind of offends me when people ask if I need help taking care of them. They are mine. I care for them daily.. I know that people asking that is not meant to hurt my feelings, so I try to remind myself that I am just being too sensitive.

I am dreading it though. I hate being in this house alone. Scott coming home from work helps to break up the day and makes it not feel soooooooooooo boring. It starts to feel monotonous and repetitive when Scott is away. The girls get bored. I get bored. We all cry. Then, we go to Target.

So, I am trying to put together plans for while he is away. If I set up boxes or bags that we can pull out each day with new and exciting plans.. I am a planner. If I have all of the supplies for a craft all ready to go, it really helps when you have a baby at your feet crying. Last time, I did a theme each day. Most of them were holidays. Halloween, Christmas, you know.. We did stickers and watched movies with the theme. It was fun. I think. The girls love crafts. I love crafts. I love Halloween. That's irrelevant, but in case you wondered, it's my favorite. :) I want to be prepared with boredom busters for when we all are about to lose our minds.

The girls are obsessed with sewing right now. They watched me fix some holes in their stuffed ponies once, and Chloe even got to help. Ever since then they have been talking about sewing. I was thinking this paper plate weaving could be a fun project. I want them to learn all of these skills. Too many women don't know how to do these basic things. My mom taught me, and I am forever grateful.

Number 8 on this list, a hopscotch mat, would be super fun to make. We could pull it out on a rainy day and during the endless winters.

This rock caterpillar would also be super fun!! They are obsessed with collecting rocks. This would be a great way for them to feed that obsession, and add a pretty decoration to our yard. I've also seen gnome home rocks. That would be pretty spectacular!

There is a list of 5 ideas on this site, but my favorite is croquet. This would be one for when Harper is asleep. I can just see her getting nailed in the face. The girls would really love this one though. Anything to get them moving and work some energy out is awesome in my book!

These get up and move dice are also pretty spectacular for the same reasons.

All of these ideas are great because they require very little or no money. We always have construction paper, paint, and rocks on hand. The hopscotch mat is the only thing that requires extra supplies that we don't have. I would need to purchase two plastic "needles" for weaving also, but those are pretty cheap. I am so thankful to live in the Pinterest era. Mostly. There is a lot of competition that goes on seeing who can out-do the other. To me, that seems silly. Yeah, I try to make the girls pretty cakes for their birthdays, but I don't care about giving out super awesome goody bags.

I have lots of other ideas on my Pinterest board for the girls.

What are your favorite indoor activities?

BLOOM

I am not sure where this phrase originated from. When we lived in a town called Garden City, this phrase was painted in the downtown area. I always loved it. We were struggling there. I don't want to get into the details of that, or speak ill of anyone. But, it was tough. I kept reminding myself of this phrase.

God planted us there, even if it was just temporary, and we needed to BLOOM.

We are feeling very similarly here. We are starting to feel taken advantage of and unappreciated. Many days, it takes everything within me to keep from blowing up. I do not enjoy seeing my husband mistreated. If you are a ministry wife, this is something that you must get used to. Not everyone will like you. Not everyone will like your husband. (And, you won't like everyone either) Some people are even so bold as to complain about your husband to you.

I love my husband. I think he is amazing. He is incredible, and I am his biggest fan. You DO NOT speak badly about my husband to me. It is hard to respond graciously to these people. But, it is something that we must do. That hasn't happened to me in a while. Most people have realized that I am not going to accept them saying anything bad about him.

It is becoming a struggle for me. No one is speaking badly of him. But, they know that he has a huge servant's heart, and they are taking advantage of that. Things like no longer taking their garbage out, but piling it by the door knowing that he will take care of it. They don't realize how much time this takes away from his true MINISTRY.


Anyway.. tangent over.

BLOOM. You have to bloom and flourish right where you are. God planted us here. God has continued to water and provide for us. Even if at times it feels like we might wither away. God is still there and He is still faithful.

Bloom where you are planted. God is going to bless.

Four arrows

Check out my new background!! I asked my ridiculously talented friend, Lexi, if she could do something for me. I am not very good at describing the image in my head. I told her that I wanted four arrows. Three to be feminine and one to be sort of neutral for the baby we lost. I can't even find the words to describe it. I love it. LOOOVE it so much!!!

I just want to stare at it. Luck for me, and for you, she has this online shop. She puts her artwork on there and you can have it put on t-shirts, iPhone covers, notebooks.. anything that you can imagine. I am in love with it all and just trying to decide which to buy first! Scott won't let me buy it all (party pooper).

Go check it out for yourself!

And check it out here!

Babies and food drawings

All of these babies everywhere. Get it together, ovaries. You are done. D-O-N-E. Stop torturing me!!

Here, look at the picture Chloe drew. She has been sitting and coloring quietly for HOURS. This week, she has started drawing pictures in a notebook. Mostly pictures of her and her sisters. Yesterday, she started drawing ponies. Then she came and showed me this gem.

Lots of food!! An apple, cherry, pepper, strawberry, pizza, macarani and cheese, and I am not sure if I missed anything. She is so creative and full of life. I just love her. (I love them all, obviously.)

If you will sit down beside her and color with her, or just let her show you all of her drawings, she is your BFF.

Addi has started to sit down and color in coloring books, too. She doesn't really want to try to draw on her own yet, and that's ok. She started writing her name recently and it's so adorable!! If anyone else writes her name, she asks "Where is my 3?" She wants you to write a 3 after her name, because she is 3 obviously. She went into hysterics the other day because she does NOT want to turn 4. Her birthday should be interesting..

I am off to down some more coffee and pray that I don't die today.

Kindergarten

How is it possible that my first baby will be starting Kindergarten this year?!

Wasn't it just yesterday that she was born at 3:56 AM. I remember it like it was yesterday. She was big and beautiful. My whole world changed.

Now, I am looking through Kindergarten curriculum. I am stressing about figuring out a set homeschool space so that she knows when she is there that it's time to "work". I want homeschooling to be fun. Chloe is an active girl, so I have chosen a curriculum that allows for active learning. Hands-on and lots of fun is the goal for this year. She is such a bright girl and picks things up so quickly. Sometimes too quickly.

I am searching pinterest for homeschooling in a small space. Lots of ideas. Some are unrealistic. Others are pretty good. It will be really interesting. Addi wouldn't really be starting preschool until next year, but she is very interested in doing "cool work" (as she says) so I plan to print off some free worksheets for her. Harper will be one and probably into everything.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous. I am terrified. I sometimes question if I am really meant to do this. However, I 100% believe that homeschooling is what I am meant to do. I am not one of those moms who judges the people who send their kids to Christian or *gasp* public school. I was raised in public school. I went to a great school. I am not ruling out the idea that we may one day put our kids in school. Right now, this is what is best for our family.

Right now, my biggest concern is WHERE to put our space. I have mentioned a million times how small our home is. Doing work at the kitchen table is just not working well because we need our supplies close by. There is no where to put our supplies close by. I am not really sure what we will do, but hopefully I can figure it out quickly... My mind feels like it will explode soon.

I love being able to homeschool. I know my children. I know their quirks and what works best for them. No two children are the same. I want our space to be conducive to learning, but also fun. Learning is fun. It should always be fun. I want my kids to love to learn and read. I believe that I can nurture that in them, and not make them feel like learning is work.

This quote sums it all up pretty well.

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The Hallway

Do you ever pray and feel as though your prayers are bouncing off the sky. Your words just come hurling back at you as soon as they are spoken. Or, so it feels.

We are in this transition period. I feel like we have been shoved into the hallway with closed doors all around us. We keep knocking on them; we turn and tug at the handle. Nothing. Here we stand. We are huddled in the hallway praying and asking God for directions and answers. Our words just echo in the hall.

We try to remain faithful. We are in the hallway. We can serve God in the hallway. It feels messy, confusing, and crowded. But, we can still serve. He put us here in this hallway. He has a plan for it. But, it is so hard to continue waiting for answers.

Maybe this time in the hallway is meant for us to learn. God is always working on us. He is always bending, stretching, and molding us as long as we are willing. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it's freeing. All the time, He has a purpose. Maybe I need to just be quiet and LISTEN to what He is teaching me. I keep trying to open doors and find out what he is teaching me. Often, God speaks in the silence. I need to stop pulling on every door knob and just sit down and listen.

Perhaps as I watch and listen, a door will open just a crack. Maybe we will get a glimpse inside and see that God was protecting us from what was behind it. Maybe a door will open wide and we will be invited in. What is behind that door is going to be beautiful; if for no other reason than it is where God directed us.

However long the doors remain closed, I am going to take the opportunity to listen and learn.

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"Sisters are Forever...

...and I'm so glad your mine."

I remember that my mom had a mug with that phrase on it. It had flowers painted on it. Over the years a huge piece ended up breaking off and getting glued back on. In fact, I think it is probably still mixed in with her collection of coffee mugs to this day. I never really understood the significance of it. At the time, I was young and couldn't stand my sisters. (The feeling was pretty mutual..)

Here I am, 27 years old with three little girls of my own. They love talking about being sisters and telling people that "THAT is MY sister!" I am a grown woman, and would give just about anything to be with my sisters. I miss them something fierce. Over the winter, I start going numb to missing family. It's impossible to travel when the weather is crazy and snowing or icing all of the time. My heart hurts in December. Then, January, February, and March roll through. That pain starts to numb and I feel like I should just give up because I am never going to get to see them again. Once we start to thaw, we make a trip to see family and that pain comes shooting back. As soon as we leave, I am a mess of tears. Living away from family is hard.

I got to spend several days last week with my younger sister. She is due on SUNDAY with her second boy, and her husband works a lot. So, I wanted to keep her company and help her out. I don't think she realizes how much she helped me. I have been struggling here lately with many things that don't need to be written on here. She knows this. She knows my heart. Just spending time with her being silly, playing games, and talking like nothing has changed was so good for my soul. Plus, her son is absurdly adorable and loved on Harper the whole time. We cooked and mopped up the flooded laundry room and pet Lyna. We drove through this beautiful neighborhood with amazing homes.

It was super rainy outside every day. But, it was mostly the kind that is really relaxing to listen to. The first night there was a big storm with strobe light lightening. It was NUTS!!! We had ice cream.. mine was dairy free. Ya'll, they have an ice cream place within walking distance that has gluten and dairy free ice cream for CHEAP! I was in heaven. Her husband was able to get off early and have games canceled due to rain, so I even saw him quite a bit.

Cousins are awesome. Harper may have disagreed until the last day, but "CJ" is going to be an awesome big brother. He was always loving on her and would rub her back if she cried. That happened to be any time he came near her. I don't get it. I think maybe if he had pushed her over she would have felt like he was ok. That's what she is used to at our house.

Anyway, I miss my sisters a lot. I miss living close enough to home where a weekend trip was possible.

I had intentions of driving down to where my parents and older sister live so that I could have dinner with them. Amanda would have been invited, too, but traveling at any stage of pregnancy is painful, so I'm not sure that she would have wanted to. *wink* My van started trying to stall when we would drive anywhere. Or, just sitting in the drive thru of sonic waiting for our vanilla coke and atomic lemon slush. Hey, Amanda, ATOMIC lemon was no joke, was it?! ha!

Instead of driving to MTZ on Friday evening, I took my van to the shop on Friday morning and it spent the day there getting worked on. My parents were able to drive up and see us for a couple of hours. And, they bought more dairy free ice cream.

It was such a great time, and I wish I could rewind and go back. I miss her a lot already. I miss my family a lot. My brother-in-law came into town yesterday and left this morning. I think Scott is pretty happy to have been able to get a visit in also.

Oh my goodness! I just googled to see if I could find a picture of the mug. Here it is!!!!!