Enough

When I first started this blog, I wanted it to be upbeat and happy. I wanted to share how much Chloe was growing. It was a way to keep people updated on how things were going.. if our family was growing, etc. But, I also want this blog to be real and honest. Our life is great. I have three beautiful girls that are healthy and happy. I have the most amazing husband who works so hard to provide for our family. But, I feel like we are in a "valley" right now. We have been in a valley for a while.

Things have been a struggle for our family for over a year. Scott's job.. the ministry here.. the work God has called us to do.. is constantly in question. Not IF he is doing the ministry, but just the fact that our church is really struggling to stay afloat right now. We just keep trying to love on people in our community and show Christ's love. We pray a lot, too. It is not about the money, or how many activities we can have, or saving the "jobs" of Pastor and Scott. It is about souls... lost people. Our hearts are breaking for the people around us; knowing that they have no hope.

My health has been a struggle this year. I still am sitting at an "undiagnosed seizure disorder". I had a breast cancer scare. My health is no longer an issue or a worry as long as I don't have another seizure; and I don't really think that I will.

I am still struggling with finding what works and doesn't work to eat. Harper is so sensitive to a lot of foods. Spicy foods make her fussy and hurt her little tummy. Caffeine upsets her tummy. Dairy, eggs, and soy are off limits. She is healthy, and I am so grateful, but I don't want to cause her pain and discomfort.

There are also the daily frustrations of having a new baby. Not Harper, herself. She is awesome. But, people have no boundaries or filter when a new baby is around. They will talk "to Harper" and tell her the things that I am doing "wrong". For example, after I fed her at church, Harper was told "Oh, mama gave you more of that stuff that hurts your belly." They do whatever they want and say whatever they want. They are constantly poking at her and messing with her. They don't think about how much they are in MY face every day. I have had her taken out of my arms by someone who did not ask if they could hold her. Someone I knew, but it is still not ever ok to take a child out of a mother's arms without asking. I just feel like no one respects mom's with babies. We know nothing and everything that we do is wrong. I am just really struggling with that. I love how encouraged I feel after sermons at church, but the crowd of people who won't let me move and try to tell me what I am doing wrong leaves me feeling completely drained, discouraged, and frustrated.

Every mom already feels inadequate at what she does. Or, maybe it's just me. I AM ENOUGH. I need to tell myself that daily, and I need to believe it. God created me to do what I am doing. This is my purpose. This is my talent. I love my children fiercely. I am doing exactly what I feel is best for them, and I approach what I do with lots of prayer. I try to not make decisions based upon what I want, but what God wants of me. I am homeschooling Chloe because I feel like that is what God wants of me right now. It is what is best for her. I breast feed Harper in spite of the food allergies because it is still a thousand times better for her than formula (which she would also be allergic to..). Addison is learning at home also. My kids are all healthy. They are happy. They are LOVED. I am enough for them...

Even though we feel like we keep sinking into valley's, God is still enough for us. That is the most important thing of all. He loves me even when I feel inadequate and mess up. He loves my children even when they are rotten and feisty. God is enough.

2 months old

Newborn

1 month old

2 months old (not the best picture, sorry kiddo)

Harper is already 2 months old!! She is getting her own personality, and it is so fun to see. She smiles and coos at us. She has started to suck her thumb (when she can get it in her mouth) to self soothe. Her hair is getting longer, but not thicker. She goes to sleep between 9 and 10 at night, and usually wakes up only once or twice. She is not a morning person much like her Mama. She likes to wake up and eat around 6 or 7, and then goes back to sleep. She would sleep past 10 if we didn't have to get up for the day before that. She takes several naps throughout the day. Here are some stats on her:

Weight: 11 pounds 1 oz
Height: 24 inches

We had family pictures taken today... our first pictures as a family of FIVE!! I was incredibly stressed out all morning. Three small girls are not easy to get to cooperate. They did so well though. We got some really sweet pictures of the girls individually, together, and all five of us. Nevermind that my hair was wild and crazy.. the girls smiled and were happy and cooperative. I can't wait to get them in! I am still blown away by being a family of FIVE. :D It makes my heart happy!

Next Thursday

Next Thursday marks two years since we lost our baby.. our Quinn Lael.. our "counsel" "belonging to God". That hurt has NEVER left my heart. I know that God has a purpose for everything we go through; even if we don't see it this side of Heaven. Or maybe not on the other side. Who knows.

The week I lost Quinn, THREE of my friends/family members lost babies.. one of those people being unsaved. I always prayed (maybe morbidly..) that if I ever faced the pain of losing a child, that I would handle it with grace. That my words and actions would NEVER turn people away from God. I pray that I did that. I pray that I still do.

My heart still aches. My heart hurts to think about it all.. the trip to the hospital; knowing that my baby's life was gone. The trip home after having it confirmed.. all of it. It hurts.

When we found out we were pregnant with Quinn, we were scared. Three babies.. three kids under three. We talked about not having anymore. I don't think that I would have gone through with that decision if the baby had lived. But, I don't know.. and I am not going to play the "what if" game or it would make my mind crazy... there are just too many scenarios.. such as, Harper not being in our lives.

My life is so blessed. I do not mean this to be a huge downer of a post. But, if you think of me next week, please say a prayer for my heart. It hurts so much more on the "anniversary" of the baby's passing.. and on the due date.

Being a Mama..

First, the results of the ultrasound of my breast were that I have dialated ducts. I am not 100% sure what it means, but it is nothing to worry about. That's all I need to know. Thank you for the prayers!!

Second, Scott and I rented "Mom's Night Out" from Redbox last night. I LOVED IT!! In the first five minutes, I turned to Scott and said "They made a movie about me!" He grinned.. I think afraid to agree.. and finally, timidly said "I was thinking the same thing.." It is excellent. The more the movie went on, the more I felt like it was made just for me. Then, towards the end of the movie Trace Adkins' character was talking to the main "mom" character. I was moved to tears.. He said, "You spend so much time beating yourselves up. It must be exhausting.. I doubt the good Lord made a mistake giving your kiddos the Mama He did. So, you just be YOU. He'll take care of the rest."

I felt like he was speaking directly to me. I feel so inadequate. I ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy. ALWAYS!!! Now that I am a mommy, there are days where I feel like God must have been confused. I am not made for this. This is so FALSE. God does NOT make mistakes. He gave me these beautiful blessings. No matter how inadequate I AM, HE IS ENOUGH. He will take care of it all.

I am not being paid to write any of this. I honestly can't even find the words to describe how much I love this movie. I want to buy it and watch it every day to remind myself that I am not enough on my own for my kids. I need to stop trying to do it all. I need to stop being so unhappy. I bring it upon myself. I push myself to hard and put too much pressure on myself. I am not enough, but He is. All I can do is strive to honor Him, and teach my babies about Him. The rest will take care of itself.