If you have ever breast fed a baby, you know that things can get.. lumpy.. in the mornings. I was making sure that I didn't end up with mastitis (My goal is to nurse Harper without ever getting it.. we'll see) when I felt a lump that didn't feel normal. I had my 6 week checkup today and had my doctor check it out. She is almost certain that it is not cancerous, but is sending me to have an ultrasound done just to be safe. I am not sure of the date yet, as they are setting it up for me and will call to let me know when it will be.
Please pray that it ends up being nothing. I am sure it is, but there is always the possibility that it COULD be something. On the first day of May I was in my 7th month of a normal pregnancy, and the only health issues I had were exercise induced asthma and insomnia. On May 8th I ended up being in my 7th month of a high risk pregnancy, being diagnosed with a seizure disorder, and finding out that I have a heart defect. I took a painful express flight down the stairs a week later, and while getting my epidural during labor I was told I have slight scoliosis. Phew.
You know what though? GOD IS STILL GOOD! He is in control of all of this, even if it feels like things are spinning out of control when it comes to my health. I can start working out now and am looking into getting some sort of supplement to help me get the nutrition that I need. I am busy, and about to get even more busy. Fast snacks are always junk and no good for me. I am really trying to improve this, but I need an extra boost. This dairy allergy is really making things difficult for me, but I know I will get used to it. Once I get the hang of it, I may not want to go back to "normal".
Please just keep me in your prayers as I am feeling a little nervous.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Chloe is FOUR!!
Chloe turned FOUR on Friday (the 15th). It is so hard to believe that it has been four years since we brought our baby home. We were so terrified and excited all at once. I couldn't imagine having a child older than an infant. I was excited to find out the kind of person she would become. She wears me out A LOT. She is stubborn, feisty, strong-willed, and rotten. However, she is also so kind-hearted, intelligent, caring, and sweet.
Her current favorite things:
color- PINK! It was blue for years, and now she loves pink.
animal- she still insists that hippos are her favorite.
toys- barbies and ponies
movie- Little Mermaid and Frozen
show- she loves some weird show called Noddy in Toyland.. she also loves Handy Manny and all of the Disney Jr. shows
food- She loves greens.. the other day she was dipping baby kale leaves in a tiny bit of ranch and eating them like candy.
She loves to play dress up and pretend that she is a princess. She wears costumes to the store and to church. She loves to wear skirts and dresses daily. If not those, then she wears leggings. She loves all things that sparkle. She is super excited to start school, and says she is excited that I am going to be her teacher. (I, however, am terrified of doing well at it)
Here are a few pictures of her big girl birthday. She had a great day.
Chloe, you are such a blessing in our lives. You are a great big sister to Addison and Harper. We love you SO much.
Her current favorite things:
color- PINK! It was blue for years, and now she loves pink.
animal- she still insists that hippos are her favorite.
toys- barbies and ponies
movie- Little Mermaid and Frozen
show- she loves some weird show called Noddy in Toyland.. she also loves Handy Manny and all of the Disney Jr. shows
food- She loves greens.. the other day she was dipping baby kale leaves in a tiny bit of ranch and eating them like candy.
She loves to play dress up and pretend that she is a princess. She wears costumes to the store and to church. She loves to wear skirts and dresses daily. If not those, then she wears leggings. She loves all things that sparkle. She is super excited to start school, and says she is excited that I am going to be her teacher. (I, however, am terrified of doing well at it)
Here are a few pictures of her big girl birthday. She had a great day.
Chloe, you are such a blessing in our lives. You are a great big sister to Addison and Harper. We love you SO much.
1 month old
Harper turned one month old on Monday. It is so hard to believe that this beautiful, wonderful blessing came into our lives one month ago.
This is the first picture that I ever took of Harper.
Here is Miss Harper one her 1 month "birthday".
She is growing and changing so quickly. She likes to be carried like a football. she likes to be swaddled as long as her arms are sticking out from her burrito-wrapped blanket. She also loves to take a warm bath. There aren't many milestones at 1 month, but she did grab ahold of her hair the other day and cried because she just kept pulling it. I giggled the whole time I was trying to pry her tiny fingers out of her hair. She sleeps pretty well, but has started to wake up around 2AM for a few hours. I am pooped. Pooped, but SO blessed.
She is growing and changing so quickly. She likes to be carried like a football. she likes to be swaddled as long as her arms are sticking out from her burrito-wrapped blanket. She also loves to take a warm bath. There aren't many milestones at 1 month, but she did grab ahold of her hair the other day and cried because she just kept pulling it. I giggled the whole time I was trying to pry her tiny fingers out of her hair. She sleeps pretty well, but has started to wake up around 2AM for a few hours. I am pooped. Pooped, but SO blessed.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Dark Days
Some days just feel really dark. They are a struggle to get through. It feels like there is no hope at all.
Today is one of those difficult days. Let me start by saying that when I have a newborn, I just want to hide away with them and not share them with anyone. I want to really relish in every moment of their infancy, because it goes by SO fast. They depend on me. They rely on me. They appreciate me. I love my church family, but bringing a new baby into a church is almost full of torture. Everyone immediately surrounds you and gets in your face. It is impossible to move. There is nowhere to hide. It is a struggle for me.
This is how I feel in life right now. I am stuck; unable to move. There are days where tears just stream down my face for seemingly no reason at all. I feel like no one cares. There have been many days where my own husband has looked at me when there are hot tears running down my face. He doesn't even notice. This leaves me feeling even more uncared for.
Since the day he went back to work (Harper was 1 week old) I went back to my usual duties. I have kept up with keeping the house clean (vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, dishes, etc.) The only thing I fall behind on is laundry. Our laundry area is in the basement, and our main living area is upstairs. I don't trust leaving the big girls alone with Harper to throw loads in, so that usually gets caught up on during the weekends with the help of Scott. I just feel like no one truly appreciates any of it. I work hard to prepare meals with foods that Chloe and Addison love, and they refuse to eat and complain that they don't like it.
Today, I got Harper and myself all dressed and to the church. She started to fuss just as the message started, but I thought she would fall asleep. I left ALL of our stuff and I stepped into the hall with her so that she did not disturb anyone and "rocked" her in my arms. She started acting hungry. Since I left my nursing cover, I went into my husband's office to feed her where no one could see. Once she finished eating, she projectile vomited all over herself, me, and Scott's floor. I cleaned it up with toilet paper (that's all there was around..) and asked Addison's teacher to pass the message on to Scott that I was going home. I was totally soaked and did not have my phone or a change of clothes for Harper.
During the big girls' supposed nap time, Addison would not go to sleep. I went in to check on her and she had painted the walls with her POOP. EVERYWHERE!!! I made her start cleaning up the walls while I got some more supplies. Scott came upstairs and started helping. 30 or so minutes later, the poop was finally scrubbed off of the walls and cleaned up of the floor. Her walls are stained because this is not the first (or second, or third, or fourth...) time that she has done this... Chloe screamed and threw a fit the whole time she was in her room because I would not let her play with my iPad or paint in her room.
I didn't get much sleep last night, and that is probably adding to this darkness that I feel surrounding me. I love my life. I love my three girls. I love my husband. I just feel like none of it is returned. I don't know why. Not every day is this way. In fact, most days I feel vibrant and as full of life as a mom with a newborn and two toddlers can feel. Some days just get dark and begin to feel hopeless.. and I just wish that someone would notice that I feel like I am drowning... especially the one who is supposed to really SEE me.
I know that none of this is true. There is always hope in Jesus. This darkness will not win. I refuse to be overtaken by it. One these dark days, I fight my way back to the light. I don't let it get the best of me. My girls are such beautiful, vivacious, and bubbly beings. They are my world. My husband is hard-working man who loves Jesus and wants to share the gospel with the world. My God is a God who saves me and shows me grace even though I am so unworthy.
It's ok to have dark days. It is not easy to have them, but it is ok. I feel like everyone thinks there is shame in struggle. I find my strength when I struggle. Never let the dark days win. If you are struggling, it means you have something to fight for. Keep fighting. Keep seeing all of the blessings around you.
Today is one of those difficult days. Let me start by saying that when I have a newborn, I just want to hide away with them and not share them with anyone. I want to really relish in every moment of their infancy, because it goes by SO fast. They depend on me. They rely on me. They appreciate me. I love my church family, but bringing a new baby into a church is almost full of torture. Everyone immediately surrounds you and gets in your face. It is impossible to move. There is nowhere to hide. It is a struggle for me.
This is how I feel in life right now. I am stuck; unable to move. There are days where tears just stream down my face for seemingly no reason at all. I feel like no one cares. There have been many days where my own husband has looked at me when there are hot tears running down my face. He doesn't even notice. This leaves me feeling even more uncared for.
Since the day he went back to work (Harper was 1 week old) I went back to my usual duties. I have kept up with keeping the house clean (vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, dishes, etc.) The only thing I fall behind on is laundry. Our laundry area is in the basement, and our main living area is upstairs. I don't trust leaving the big girls alone with Harper to throw loads in, so that usually gets caught up on during the weekends with the help of Scott. I just feel like no one truly appreciates any of it. I work hard to prepare meals with foods that Chloe and Addison love, and they refuse to eat and complain that they don't like it.
Today, I got Harper and myself all dressed and to the church. She started to fuss just as the message started, but I thought she would fall asleep. I left ALL of our stuff and I stepped into the hall with her so that she did not disturb anyone and "rocked" her in my arms. She started acting hungry. Since I left my nursing cover, I went into my husband's office to feed her where no one could see. Once she finished eating, she projectile vomited all over herself, me, and Scott's floor. I cleaned it up with toilet paper (that's all there was around..) and asked Addison's teacher to pass the message on to Scott that I was going home. I was totally soaked and did not have my phone or a change of clothes for Harper.
During the big girls' supposed nap time, Addison would not go to sleep. I went in to check on her and she had painted the walls with her POOP. EVERYWHERE!!! I made her start cleaning up the walls while I got some more supplies. Scott came upstairs and started helping. 30 or so minutes later, the poop was finally scrubbed off of the walls and cleaned up of the floor. Her walls are stained because this is not the first (or second, or third, or fourth...) time that she has done this... Chloe screamed and threw a fit the whole time she was in her room because I would not let her play with my iPad or paint in her room.
I didn't get much sleep last night, and that is probably adding to this darkness that I feel surrounding me. I love my life. I love my three girls. I love my husband. I just feel like none of it is returned. I don't know why. Not every day is this way. In fact, most days I feel vibrant and as full of life as a mom with a newborn and two toddlers can feel. Some days just get dark and begin to feel hopeless.. and I just wish that someone would notice that I feel like I am drowning... especially the one who is supposed to really SEE me.
I know that none of this is true. There is always hope in Jesus. This darkness will not win. I refuse to be overtaken by it. One these dark days, I fight my way back to the light. I don't let it get the best of me. My girls are such beautiful, vivacious, and bubbly beings. They are my world. My husband is hard-working man who loves Jesus and wants to share the gospel with the world. My God is a God who saves me and shows me grace even though I am so unworthy.
It's ok to have dark days. It is not easy to have them, but it is ok. I feel like everyone thinks there is shame in struggle. I find my strength when I struggle. Never let the dark days win. If you are struggling, it means you have something to fight for. Keep fighting. Keep seeing all of the blessings around you.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Life
I took some pictures of Harper the other day. We didn't get any pictures done in the hospital, so I am really sad. I am not a photographer by any means, but I just snap away.
Addison wanted to lay with Harper and get her picture taken.
This is as close as Chloe would get.
Last night we were blessed with this amazing sunset!! I love the view that we get of the sunset here. It is always amazing and beautiful in the Fall. This is just another sign that it is so close!! I cannot wait for pumpkin everything!!!
I bought matching Halloween shirts for all three girls. I am so excited for it all!
Addison wanted to lay with Harper and get her picture taken.
This is as close as Chloe would get.
Last night we were blessed with this amazing sunset!! I love the view that we get of the sunset here. It is always amazing and beautiful in the Fall. This is just another sign that it is so close!! I cannot wait for pumpkin everything!!!
I bought matching Halloween shirts for all three girls. I am so excited for it all!
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Scatter brained
If my blog posts don't make a lot of sense right now; well, I am not surprised! I sit down to write and get distracted by a hungry baby or a screaming Chloe. I only "play" on the computer during nap time, so that is when I try to write. My kids come first. Always. Writing on this blog is just fun for me, so I try to do it when I am not "on" mom duty so much. But, sometimes I leave the computer for too long to even remember what I was saying and I can't make sense of what I was trying to say.. so I just keep on a goin'. HA!
I love these three little girls so much. Harper is still sleeping pretty well. She goes to sleep around 11 PM, and had been sleeping until 10 AM (Yes, she wakes up to eat). Now, she has decided that 5 AM is an awesome time to start partying. My "new mom adrenaline" is wearing off and I am feeling the exhaustion of waking every few hours. It's not like you just wake up for 5 minutes every three hours. It is 30 or so minutes of being awake to feed her, then she is up 2 1/2 hours after that. I am thankful because coffee doesn't seem to affect her like it did Addison. I can drink a couple of cups and she is just fine. HALLELUJAH! I missed my coffee.
source
My oldest baby turns FOUR next week!!!! She wants this crazy difficult mermaid cake. I found dairy free cake and fondant recipes. We will see how this goes. haha! I love making the cakes for my girls. She is obsessed with mermaids, so we got her a mermaid doll. She also is outgrowing her shoes, so she is getting this awesome pair of rainbow colored sketchers that I got on clearance and some tinker bell flip flops. She starts our homeschool preschool next month. I am so not ready for it, but ready or not here it comes.
Addison is still silly and wild. She is obsessed with "baby Harper". Every morning when Harper and I walk upstairs she squeals about her baby sister. She is so bright and bubbly. I am so blessed to be her mama. I am blessed to have all of them as daughters. I love my crazy life.
I saw my neurologist on Monday, and he said that he would feel more comfortable if I stayed on the Keppra. He told me that it was up to me, but I appreciate that he told me what he would recommend. He said that there is an increased risk of me having another seizure since I have already had one. He doesn't want me to have a seizure while holding Harper and possibly harming her.. or one of the other girls. I agree with that.. I don't want to be on it for the rest of my life though.. I also don't want to have another seizure. Not that I remember the first one, but I want to stinking drive. I don't want to wake up on the floor and leave my kids without any adult.. because who knows how long I would be unconscious. The first time it was around 5 minutes. There's a lot to think about..
On the plus side, my girls aren't scarred for life. They like to pretend that their toys are "passed out", or that they are "passed out". They aren't afraid of it, it is just a game to them. :/ I feel bad that they won't forget what happened, but I am glad that they aren't afraid.
There is still a lot of stress on our family right now, but we feel so overwhelmingly blessed. :D Our life is so incredible, exhausting, thrilling, busy, and WONDERFUL.
I love these three little girls so much. Harper is still sleeping pretty well. She goes to sleep around 11 PM, and had been sleeping until 10 AM (Yes, she wakes up to eat). Now, she has decided that 5 AM is an awesome time to start partying. My "new mom adrenaline" is wearing off and I am feeling the exhaustion of waking every few hours. It's not like you just wake up for 5 minutes every three hours. It is 30 or so minutes of being awake to feed her, then she is up 2 1/2 hours after that. I am thankful because coffee doesn't seem to affect her like it did Addison. I can drink a couple of cups and she is just fine. HALLELUJAH! I missed my coffee.
My oldest baby turns FOUR next week!!!! She wants this crazy difficult mermaid cake. I found dairy free cake and fondant recipes. We will see how this goes. haha! I love making the cakes for my girls. She is obsessed with mermaids, so we got her a mermaid doll. She also is outgrowing her shoes, so she is getting this awesome pair of rainbow colored sketchers that I got on clearance and some tinker bell flip flops. She starts our homeschool preschool next month. I am so not ready for it, but ready or not here it comes.
Addison is still silly and wild. She is obsessed with "baby Harper". Every morning when Harper and I walk upstairs she squeals about her baby sister. She is so bright and bubbly. I am so blessed to be her mama. I am blessed to have all of them as daughters. I love my crazy life.
I saw my neurologist on Monday, and he said that he would feel more comfortable if I stayed on the Keppra. He told me that it was up to me, but I appreciate that he told me what he would recommend. He said that there is an increased risk of me having another seizure since I have already had one. He doesn't want me to have a seizure while holding Harper and possibly harming her.. or one of the other girls. I agree with that.. I don't want to be on it for the rest of my life though.. I also don't want to have another seizure. Not that I remember the first one, but I want to stinking drive. I don't want to wake up on the floor and leave my kids without any adult.. because who knows how long I would be unconscious. The first time it was around 5 minutes. There's a lot to think about..
On the plus side, my girls aren't scarred for life. They like to pretend that their toys are "passed out", or that they are "passed out". They aren't afraid of it, it is just a game to them. :/ I feel bad that they won't forget what happened, but I am glad that they aren't afraid.
There is still a lot of stress on our family right now, but we feel so overwhelmingly blessed. :D Our life is so incredible, exhausting, thrilling, busy, and WONDERFUL.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Wonderful
When I stare at this tiny, brand new life next to me, I get completely overwhelmed. The way that God so intimately creates new life is amazing. Ten tiny fingers and toes... all of it.. it is just so wonderful. I love the newborn phase. I am completely worn out and have a hard time staying awake, but I love it. The big girls are still really good with Harper. Addison just has to learn to be more gentle with Harper. She wants so badly to play with her, but doesn't understand that she can't play yet. Chloe is slowly coming around to Harper. She mostly ignores her, but I occasionally catch her sneaking kisses and rubbing her soft head.
I love our family. Scott is always great when we have a new baby. He has it easy because he doesn't have to wake up and stay awake to feed Harper. He gets up, changes her diaper, and brings her to me. I didn't even have to ask him to do that. He just does it. I love him. I love them. I love it all.
Sometimes, when I think about the fact that we won't be having any more babies, my heart breaks. I have spent many nights sobbing over it. I know that we made the right decision. I put a lot of prayer, tears, and thought into the decision. It was not an easy one. It is personal, so I don't know why I have shared it on here, but it is difficult. I guess that I don't want anyone to ever feel alone if they have to make the decision. It is so hard. Scott said that he feels guilty that I am feeling some regret. I told him not to; that I know we did what we felt was best... Everyone says when you are done, you just know. But, what if your health forces you to make a decision that you were not ready for?
It is hard for me to not feel angry about the health concerns that caused us to even have to THINK about it. It has been difficult to not feel angry since May, when I had a seizure and was forced to stop driving and start seeing a million doctors and start having even more fear during this pregnancy. But, life is wonderful. God is good. ALWAYS. Through all of the FEAR, I have been safe. Harper was kept safe. Chloe was kept safe. Addison was kept safe. My husband was kept safe. Wonderful. It is all wonderful. No one should ever forget how wonderful life is. How wonderful the blessing of a new baby is... It is the most wonderful gift in this life.
I love our family. Scott is always great when we have a new baby. He has it easy because he doesn't have to wake up and stay awake to feed Harper. He gets up, changes her diaper, and brings her to me. I didn't even have to ask him to do that. He just does it. I love him. I love them. I love it all.
Sometimes, when I think about the fact that we won't be having any more babies, my heart breaks. I have spent many nights sobbing over it. I know that we made the right decision. I put a lot of prayer, tears, and thought into the decision. It was not an easy one. It is personal, so I don't know why I have shared it on here, but it is difficult. I guess that I don't want anyone to ever feel alone if they have to make the decision. It is so hard. Scott said that he feels guilty that I am feeling some regret. I told him not to; that I know we did what we felt was best... Everyone says when you are done, you just know. But, what if your health forces you to make a decision that you were not ready for?
It is hard for me to not feel angry about the health concerns that caused us to even have to THINK about it. It has been difficult to not feel angry since May, when I had a seizure and was forced to stop driving and start seeing a million doctors and start having even more fear during this pregnancy. But, life is wonderful. God is good. ALWAYS. Through all of the FEAR, I have been safe. Harper was kept safe. Chloe was kept safe. Addison was kept safe. My husband was kept safe. Wonderful. It is all wonderful. No one should ever forget how wonderful life is. How wonderful the blessing of a new baby is... It is the most wonderful gift in this life.
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