Reflection

It is almost September! I have always anticipated September every year. I anticipate it more and more every year. It is the beginning of Fall weather. It is the month before OCTOBER, which is my favorite month of the year! I enjoy "back to school" time, as a former teacher, and a soon-to-be homeschooling mama! I love September. But, this September is feeling a little bit different to me. It is approaching the one year "anniversary" of when we lost our precious baby, Quinn Lael. I am not sure if I have ever shared our baby's name before, but there you have it. Quinn means "Counsel" and Lael means "belonging to God". We decided that we did not want to refer to our baby as "it", so we gave the baby a pretty gender-neutral name. I really had a feeling that this baby was a boy, but I always have that feeling and end up surprised. Scott and I joke that Quinn was probably his only boy.

September 16, 2012 I had just finished writing a Facebook message to my friend Lexi. I was telling her that I REALLY felt like something was wrong. I hadn't gained ANY weight. I was 11 weeks pregnant. I am NOT one of those lucky people who doesn't gain weight for weeks. I gain, and I again hard. I had some morning sickness... mostly when all of my family was in town and I hid in our bedroom with a grocery bag. I didn't want to tell anyone that I was pregnant yet, so I did the gross and unthinkable.. Anyway, I just finished hitting "send" when I felt something. I went to the bathroom while Scott dealt with one of our crying children. Then I discovered that I was bleeding. Nothing bad, but I had NEVER had any spotting before, so I was really worried. We called our neighbor, AKA Pastor's wife, and asked her to sit with the girls while we went to the ER. They took FOR-E-VER and did ultrasounds and blood tests. The doctor came back FINALLY and said that it appeared that the baby was only developed to 4-5 weeks gestation. She said "there is still a chance that you just aren't as far along as you thought". Yes, because women frequently get positive pregnancy tests a week BEFORE they are even pregnant. I know that she was just trying to make me feel better, but come on. I just nodded and said "ok". I don't remember getting dressed, or walking to the car. I remember that halfway home a song came on the radio. A song that I think that God put there just for me. A song that I angrily turned off the radio to... Josh Wilson's "Fall Apart" become my theme song. I didn't want to hear it on the way home. I was just numb. I wasn't angry with God. My heart sang "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name". The next couple of days were just a blur of wondering WHEN my body would actually "miscarry".

September 18, 2012 in the evening I started to have some cramping. I won't get graphic or gross, but let's just say that it HURTS. Loosing a baby in this way emotionally hurts, and physically hurts A LOT! I was not prepared for the pain, as the doctor told me that it was just feel like all of the monthly garbage women deal with. LIES! It felt just like labor, only it didn't get AS strong as it would in the end. I will remember this day for the rest of my life. I cried a lot. But, there was a voice whispering "God is good". GOD IS GOOD!! God is always good. God is good on the bad days. God is good on the hard days. God has been good ever since this day, and God was good long before this day. I remember that we were singing "A Mighty Fortress" in choir the Sunday after it all happened. I shook so violently just trying to get through the song. God so beautifully orchestrated everything surrounding the horrible day that I lost the baby. He placed constant reminders in my path that He would NEVER leave me or forsake me; that He works ALL things to my good.

There are days where I still get so consumed with grief and heartbreak that I feel like I just shut down and autopilot comes on. But, those days are getting farther apart. I can type this without tears streaming down my face. I am not sure why I am writing or sharing this. Maybe just so that I can heal a little more. Maybe there is a mama out there with a broken heart and empty womb. Maybe no one will ever read this post.

I want to encourage anyone who may be reading this to remember that God IS in control. I do not know why I lost my baby, but I do know that He is good. He never does anything to hurt me, but to mold me and shape me into the woman He desires me to become. My heavenly father loves me more than anyone on this planet ever has or could. Shortly after I lost my baby, I had FOUR friends/family members loose their babies. I was grateful that I could be an ear to listen, and someone who knew how to pray for them specifically. I become a member of a club of supportive and strong women who were so wonderful to share their stories with me. I would never wish this club on anyone, but if you are in this club, know that you are not alone.

Nothing to say?

I am so lacking in things to write about it is not even funny. Life is so crazy and hectic right now. We have things going on every day. I am getting worn out. Scott and I ran the Warrior Dash together and really enjoyed it. A couple of weeks later, we ran The Great Pizza Challenge 5K. You know what I realized? I STINK at running.. I have athletic onset asthma. I forgot to use my inhaler before the Warrior Dash, so I really struggled with my breathing. Then, the week of the Pizza Challenge, I got a horrible cold, so I struggled to breathe again, but for different reasons. All of these make great excuses for my times.. 1 hour for the WD, 37:52 for the Pizza Challenge.. however, I just stink.
I am new at running though. I haven't really been running at all this year. I quit running last July when I found out that I was pregnant. Not out of fear of hurting the baby, but I was sore from the first Warrior Dash, and then I started getting morning sickness. I ran for a little while after we lost the baby. I was angry. I pounded my anger out on the gym floor while I ran. I cried and asked God "Why?" Then, I just quit doing it.. I quit running. I guess it was just laziness, but I have been out of practice for A YEAR! For the record, I still don't know WHY I lost the baby. I never will. I do know that I was the first in a string of 4 other friends or family members who lost babies. I am thankful that I was able to talk some of them through it.. God is always good. Anyway, this is not meant to be a depressing post. Life is so good. I am so blessed with two awesome girls, and an awesome husband who treats me so much better than I ever deserve.

Chloe is doing well with learning her letters. I am going to start doing a little bit of preschool homeschooling this September. I am not going to do any sort of curriculum this first year. I am going to rely a lot on free printables and workbooks that I can buy at the store. She is turning THREE on Thursday. While she seems so old to me now, she is still so young. She is bright. But, I want her to get to be a kid. I try to take advantage of "teachable moments" and work with her while we play. I think it helps. I want them to enjoy their childhood. They have the rest of their lives to be tortured as adults with responsibility and pressure to be and do more. She still has wild, curly hair that I can't seem to tame. She has so much energy that her hair always ends up wild by noon. If anyone has any curly hair tips, I will take them!

Addison is getting sillier every day. She has this way that she says "Hiiii" that just cracks me up. She is still a Mama's girl, and I LOVE it. haha! She carries one of my shirts around, or a receiving blanket and she calls it her "mama". I am "mommy" to her though, so it doesn't get confusing. I am working on teaching colors to her. She thinks everything is pink right now. I think pink may be her favorite right now. She loves to sing and dance. Her favorite show is "Jake and the Neverland Pirates", and she loves the Leapfrog movies.

I am so excited for this week because my friends are coming to visit. They are on deputation right now to get on the field in Ecuador. This will probably be the last time I see them before they leave. They will be in town for a full week! YAY! Plus, my parents are possibly going to come this weekend. Scott's parents will be here next week! I LOVE having company. We have a tiny little house, but I love filling it to the brim with friends and family. We had our music director over for lunch last week. I don't know what it is, but I love having people over.

If you have made it to the end of this post, you get a gold star. Hopefully soon, I will have something exciting to post.

I am here.

I didn't fall off the planet. I have been watching a friends kids. That is FOUR kids in the smallest house in existence. I have one more day of it. These extra kids both have colds and have been coughing and snotting on everything. Send coffee.